Thursday, March 29, 2012

Working Mom

Today is a feel bad for myself day.  I know that I am oh so lucky to have the girls with either my parents or Aunt Pat every day and they're not in a big daycare and they aren't lugged on the train into the city at a ridiculously painful hour, but I still wish things could be a little different.  Today I feel it more because last night Mahir decided he would ask me if I could work part time at my job which is a definite no but it made me think and wonder if I could do it.  And then it made me wish I could do it.  Sure, I would LOVE to be at home with the girls, teaching them, playing with them, loving them, but is that what is best for all of us?  Deep down in my heart I know that it is not.  I KNOW that they are getting the social skills they need, they are developing bonds with Grammy, Grampy, Nan, Aunt Pat, and so many others by being children of working parents but it still hurts.  And today is one of those days.  Hannah is starting to clearly say "Hi Momma" and "I love you" and I hear it over the phone in the mornings and YEARN to be there to hug and kiss both her and her big sister.  They light up my world and I wouldn't give up those morning conversations for anything.  I do wish that I could be home but the question remains whether I would appreciate it as much as I appreciate those times I do have with them.  I'd like to say yes, but I'm not sure.  So now, I'm going to do what Mom says and "snap out of it" and realize that I do the best for my children and I will cherish every second I can be with them and try to be the strong mother and woman I want to teach them to be. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Much to be thankful for...

Do you ever have one of those days where you watch a disaster happening or read about all the tragedy that someone is facing and you can't stop watching it or reading about it? That happens with some of the blogs that I follow…one about an 18 month old that died of neuroblastoma while her mother was facing cancer herself…and the one about the amazing mother of three who lost her 31 year old husband when she was 6 months pregnant with their third child. My heart goes out to these women…these families…and it makes me feel so blessed. Is that wrong to feel blessed when you read of another's tragedy? Does that make me a bad person? I know I've blogged about this a little before but this time I'm going to tie it into something else I've been thinking about. I try so hard to look at the positive and try to look at all the little things and I think that I also have high expectations for myself and for the girls. There are days lately that I say to myself as I leave work, "today is going to be a good day with Leyla…I'm not going to get frustrated or angry with her…" and then when I get home she's stealing stuff from her sister or not answering my questions and I get frustrated. I know such is the life with a 3 year old and that all the good times outweigh the challenging times but it still makes me feel like an impatient person when I strive to be patient…until I'm in the moment and then I find it impossible. After reading today about the family that lost their father and husband I want to strive to live each day as if it were my last so that I never regret not doing something or saying something or being too hard on my girls and not living in the moment. Of course, it's just another thing for me to strive for that I may not get perfect but I will try. Today I also want to talk about the little things. I wish that I had more time to write down all the little things, that, as the saying goes, really are big things. And here's my list for what I can think of here and now:
  • the way Leyla smiles at me and snuggles in occasionally (she is not the snuggler she used to be back when she was a baby so the very few times she does are BIG)
  • the way Hannah pats you on the back and gives such amazing hugs
  • the way when I go to put Hannah back to bed after feeding her in the morning she holds so tight to me even though she's fast asleep and doesn't want to let go as I lay her down (and I REALLY don't want to let go)
  • the way Leyla looks sitting in her bed with books surrounding her always and the flashlight on reading each night before bed (she is so going to be me in that respect - I was always hiding books and reading under the covers or anywhere really!)
  • the mornings that we are home that the girls end up snuggled in or playing in bed with us
  • the way Leyla surrounds herself with her "guys" (Bear, New Bear, Pinkie the penguin, her two pillow pets, Dina, her doggie pillow, and the heart pillow) while watching TV so much so that she takes up half the couch!
  • how vocal Hannah is these days saying such things as mama, daddy, baba (daddy in Turkish), sit, milk, love you, no, and of course Leyla!
I have much to be grateful and I know that most days I do the best I can but I also know I have room for improvement and so that is what I'm going to do, a little at a time, one day at a time, praying for patience every day!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

OK, so, yes I just said I'm glad it's March, but...

...despite all of the craziness and sickness that went through in February there are things that I am grateful for that occurred in February:
  • Hannah has so many words in her vocabulary now including Leyla, Elmo, I love you, milk, sit, Aunt Pat, and so many more - she is also such a pistol and keeps me on my toes but in so many fun ways - I can't believe how fast she's growing!
  • Leyla has been writing the letters of her name and is doing fantastic learning Turkish and although she fights Daddy when he asks her to speak Turkish I know that she understands what he is saying to her which is awesome!  She has been signed up for preschool and although I'm not ready for that mentally I know it's going to be great for her! 
  • We had some awesome playdates! 
  • Last night, to finish out the month on a good note Leyla, Hannah, and I went outside and played in the snow that had landed on our lawn - we had a great time and I wouldn't change those moments for anything! 
The good always outweighs the bad so I don't want any of my readers to think I'm not grateful for all the good in my life because I am over the moon about all the ways I am blessed. 

Thank GOD it's March!

February stunk - that's it in a nut shell.  February started off with Mahir away in Turkey visiting his family so I was alone, but not really thanks to my awesome parents, and we were short staffed in the office, so it was a challenging month.  Not only was it a challenge with those two things but on the 18th while we were having a great time with friends and their girls Hannah decided to throw up all over me.  Thus began the week from hell!  Saturday night Hannah got the stomach bug and was sick through the night and into Sunday.  Monday, the holiday, my Mom decided to cut an onion a "new and improved way" and ended up slicing through her thumb and so I took her to the ER.  While in the ER I wasn't feeling so great but attributed it to the migraine that had come on suddenly a couple hours earlier.  Yeah, it wasn't...before we left the ER I got sick and poor Mom had to drive home with her thumb in the air - way to go me being a support to her!!!!  That night Leyla threw up.  Yay!  Tuesday Hannah decided that even though she hadn't nursed during the day in quite awhile that she needed to, which was fun for this individual who hadn't had much of anything to eat or drink since I was still sick.  But, we did it.  And then Mahir took her to the doctor only to find out she had an ear infection.  Awesome, yay for antibiotics that taste nasty and are impossible to get in.  Mahir didn't feel so great on Tuesday but never ended up getting anything.  The only one in the house who didn't get something because Nan, on her 91st birthday, got sick, followed by Mom and Dad, although he says it's his Meniere's that caused his.  In any case, the Wight-Akarsu-Butterfield crazy household got the norovirus and hung on to it for that awesome 7 days.  To top it all off poor Hannah went back to the doctor on Friday and her beginning ear infection was a full blown ear infection and the antibiotics had done NOTHING for her.  Thankfully everything is better now and despite the head cold I have now I am thankful for better antibiotics that have kicked Hannah's ear infection's butt and that everyone is getting back to normal.  I do have to say that although being sick pre-children was wonderful (do you remember that - it was when you could sleep all day, lay on the couch watching TV and movies, order take out, and just DO NOTHING), being sick post-children is challenging but rewarding at the same time.  I thought about it as I lay in bed with two children on me on that Wednesday morning and when I wished that the girls felt better I also realized that if they had been better I would've been at work and not getting to snuggle with them.  I don't like them being sick but I wouldn't trade that snuggle time for anything!