Moving forward

On April 15, 2013 the world changed for me.  I know, that sounds so dramatic, but I really don't think I'm alone, despite the fact that I knew NOONE that was injured or killed in the Boston Marathon Bombings.  One of my best friends was at the finish line and I have to say that my heart skipped when I heard from someone in my office, I don't even know who and what was said, but I remember "bombing"..."finish line"...I couldn't text her fast enough and I cried the moment I got the text back that she was OK.  And then to hold her later that night and cry thinking of how close she was and that I could've lost her.  I definitely shielded the girls from what was going on - except when the President was on and I informed Leyla it was the law for us to listen to the President just so she would let me watch what he had to say that night.  Otherwise I was left to streaming news and facebook to know what was happening, but I know the girls knew something was causing the distraction of Mommy's full attention.  There was a huge change the next day going into the city - it was surreal...it was just so different and yet indescribeable...people looked at each other...really looked at each other...and the sadness on everyone's hearts was obvious as well.  Then the rest of that week...we went on vacation on Thursday morning, April 18th and headed through Boston, seeing Mass Ave. closed waiting on the President heading to the prayer service.  We listened to the service on the cell phone as we drove and eventually lost our data and streaming became quite difficult.  That night we snuggled into bed at our destination, turning off our phones, never imagining all that was about to go down at home.  I woke up and turned on the phone at 7:30 AM to find a text from my Dad that my building was closed, and a voicemail talking about shelter-in-place, and a text from the MBTA stating that the entire T system was shut down.  I couldn't believe how only 8 or so hours with the phone off and I missed so much.  I was worried about my friends and family and coworkers all at home.  Getting news in Maine was difficult and I relied heavily on Facebook and I'm so grateful for those that kept me updated.  I went through the day visiting with former professors and walking around campus with the girls, seeing where Mahir and I met, fell in love, and got engaged.  It was wonderful, but my heart was definitely home with everyone.  I was finally able to breathe and relax and enjoy our time in Maine once I heard that the suspect had been captured.  But yet, it hasn't ended.  Somethings going on inside of me that I can't explain except to say that I have now been in almost a month long "funk"...I can't seem to get out of my own way...I'm not focusing on everything the way I need to...and I think about how I'm not living my life the way I should...I want to live a good life and be a good person for those four victims of the bombing and those who have lost limbs and are unable to live the life I can.  And yes, I know that I'm a good person, but I WANT to be better...better for myself, better for my girls, better for my husband, better for my parents, and better for my family, friends, and coworkers.  So, it's time...time for me to put what happened in April behind me and move forward...for everyone, but most especially for myself.  I'm including this picture from Huffington post that I found of the outside of my building...I probably know the guard, though I can't make out who it is...but I want to remember...remember that Friday where our city shut down and that week and this whole month where the whole city came together.  I pray that the violence ends, but I'm not naive to think that it will, but I'm not sure how I can ever explain to the girls why people do what they do.