Disappointed...

So, I'm going to have a few moments of negativity and then I'm going to try to move on.  I haven't blogged in 4 months...seriously?!  4 months...4 months where I could have been describing all the funny and crazy things that the girls have done and said so that when I'm senile and the girls are reading my blog they will know what was going on when they were 4 and 2.  The last time I blogged I was New Years Eve and I was hoping 2013 would be better...well, it has and it hasn't...Mahir got laid off from Talbots the same day that Mom and I got slammed with the stomach bug in January and he just recently got hired by TJX and started last Monday in time for the stomach bug to hit us again.  Boy, are we ready for spring! 

Funny things that Hannah has done...she is a pistol...she really is...she keeps us hopping but also keeps us laughing and smiling.  I had been calling Mahir a pain in the bum, so one morning she goes "Daddy, you're a pain in the bum" and then she paused and said "Just kidding!" and it was THE cutest thing hearing the way she said "kidding" and accentuated the "just" and "ing".  I wish I had caught it on video!  Also, last week she was eating fruit loops at daycare and a little one (7 months old I think) stole a fruit loop, so she reached in and tried to take the fruit loop out of her mouth and ended up getting a little nibble on her finger, leaving no marks of course.  Well, all Hannah could say was "she took my fruit loop!" and was so serious and determined I couldn't help but laugh!!!!

Leyla...she's almost done with her first year of PRESCHOOL!  When did that happen?!  She's enjoying it so much and I can't believe how far she's come this year and how well she has done in school.  Grampy has Shadow duty every night - not by our choice, but by Shadow's choice (Shadow's our cat for those who don't know).  He'll be trying to do dishes or sit down to watch TV and Shadow will harass him like crazy!  He'll come over to our side and feed her and the other night he said "why do we give her wet food when she doesn't eat it?!" and from out of nowhere Leyla goes "because the shelter told us too!".  Shadow has now been with us for 2 years...so Leyla was only 2 years old when they went to the shelter and got Shadow so for her to remember that and to voice that to Grampy was pretty hilarious! 

OK, so goal for next time is to blog sooner...and, as was the initial point of my blog, not complain about not being a stay at home Mom or missing things or all the other stuff I spent most of last year complaining about...instead, enjoying what I have and sharing the ups and downs with you so that when the girls are older they can look back and see all the funny things they did and all that jazz. 

2012

2012 was a good year and a bad year.  Any year I have with my girls is a good year for sure.  I am completely and utterly blessed to have an amazing family, but most especially two little girls that make me so happy every day. 

Leyla, you've had a great year - I know that it's been hard in some senses with the reality that you have some sensory processing issues, but I'm so glad I caught it early so that you can go to Occupational Therapy and that we can make some changes on how we deal with things to make it easier for you.  I can't believe you started preschool this year - I know how much you're enjoying being with Anthony and how much you are learning and how much fun you are having.  I was so proud of you watching you sing "Away in a Manger" at our Church Pageant and for being Mary in your school's Christmas Program.  Who would have thought 4 years ago as Michelle and I were holding you and Anthony that you would end up best friends and playing Mary and "Jofis" (Joseph) together.  I'm sad that Anthony is moving and that you won't be able to see each other as often after preschool but I know that you will remain such amazing friends.  You are completely obsessed with Cinderella and although your Daddy wishes everything weren't Cinderella, I know he enjoys watching your excitement, for example, last night when we put your new Cinderella comforter on your bed.  I can't wait to take you to Disney and the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique in 18 months (August 2014!).  You amaze me everyday and I'm so proud of you.  I love you Leyla.

Hannah, 20 miles of bad road as Grammy calls you...you are a pistol!  You're very outgoing and always into things.  Your vocabulary is insane for only a 25 month old - I remember going to see Dr. Tai for your 2 year appointment and she asked about words and if you were able to string things together and suddenly, before I could answer, you said "I don't want to do that" and Dr. Tai said "nevermind"!  You definitely let us know what you want and what you don't want.  You are always so bright eyed and smiley and obsessed with the color orange, Phil the monkey, Caillou (so is your sister), Angelina Ballerina, and Minnie/Mickey Mouse.  I may be judged for this part, but I don't care...you're still nursing...Grammy says we need to go "cold turkey" but I just don't see you as the type to do that - you'll stop when you're ready and I'm not ready to force you to stop...not doing anyone harm so why should I care?  Thanks for being my cuddlebug and keeping me on my toes.  I can't wait to see what you and your sister have in store for me over the years.  I love you Hannah. 

2012 was a hard year with being very part time caregiver for Nan.  I am amazed by the care Mom provided her, right up until the last moment on December 8th.  Nan had a rough 5 months starting in July when she went to the hospital, then home, then back to the hospital, then rehab, then home for about 3 weeks and then back to the hospital and rehab, returning home in early November.  Thanks to hospice we were able to keep her home with us until the end, although it still was extremely difficult on all of us and it's going to take awhile to get into our new normal.  I'm so grateful for the time that Nan had with Leyla and Hannah.  She was told by her doctor in December of 2008 that she had 3 months.  Well, she surpassed that by over 3.5 years and ended up having 5 more great-grandchildren!  Sure, she made me mad every time she laughed when Leyla did something she shouldn't have and got angry when the girls were on her couch just being kids, but I wouldn't change that time for the world.  I hope she's up in heaven telling Pa all about the two little girls that rock my world and who he would have loved so much, just like he loved me. 

2013...I pray you're an amazing year. 

Same old...and new normal...

If anything has happened over the last several days in my mind it's that I don't care what gets done, well, at least not as much as I did before.  The poor babies that were killed in Connecticut make me treasure my girls and my time with them and the rest of the family even more. 

I feel like my blog has a pattern - not being able to get done what I expect myself to get done and not being able to do these things because I'm a working Mom who doesn't get to spend much time at home.  I'm hoping that I don't remain so boring with the same complaints and thoughts.  It's been a rough couple of months with lots of things going on, some of which I will talk about and some I won't.  We've been blessed to have Mom and Dad, especially Mom, be the caregivers for the girls since the end of September.  All I will say is that it wasn't a choice I wanted to make but I also didn't have a choice.  On top of that, since July Nan had been in and out of rehab, hospital, and back home.  Her congestive heart failure made it hard to breathe which started the pattern one July evening where she went to the hospital...until she came home and went back and then went to rehab twice between July and the end of October when she came home.  The day after veteran's day she started on hospice care and went peacefully to be with Pa in heaven on Saturday morning, December 8th.  We were blessed to have her with us for 4 years after the doctor in Florida gave her 3 months back in December of 2008.  But are we really surprised with the very strong Russian woman that Nan was?  No.  And I pray that I am as blessed as she was, to have family care for her and be with her all the time, to have had 6 great-grandchildren and live with 2 of them to watch them grow.  As much as it pissed me off when it happened, I will remember Nan for laughing when the girls did something they weren't supposed to do, and taking them all (including Shadow the cat) on rides with her "wheels" (rolling walker). 

We are settling into a new normal at home and though it's not easy and the girls are definitely testing the waters, we are hoping for a nice Christmas this year.  For someone who had the majority of the shopping done before Thanksgiving and the tree up the day after Thanksgiving, I haven't done well past that.  Things still on my to-do list on 12/18 are: Christmas cards, decorating the tree, putting the stockings up, and LOTS OF WRAPPING, nevermind the things I wanted to do like make reindeer on canvas with the girls footprints and Christmas lights on canvas with the girls fingerprints!  But I'm going to take Nate Berkus' advice from his blog to heart and "make time for movie night by the glow of white tree lights, hot chocolate and laughter by the fire and the happy satisfaction of knowing no store line for holiday presents kept you from being present for those you love".  Thanks Nate for the reminder of what's really important even though I know it, it's still nice to be reminded.  (Quote courtesy of: http://www.nateberkus.com/tis-the-season/)

My Best Family Life?

So I came across a blog (through pinterest looking for who knows what) and it's about "Living Your Best Family Life" and I don't think I am.  The questions the blogger asked are: Do you wish you had more time? What would you use it for? Would it make you a better parent or your family life more peaceful and cohesive? Are you living your BEST life together as a family?  So, here we go, let me answer:
1. Yes, OF COURSE I wish I had more time!  Doesn't everyone?!  Seriously, name one person in this world who wishes they didn't have more time!
2. I would use it for SO MANY THINGS - play with Leyla and Hannah and kiss them and hug them and tell them how much I love them and show them how much I love them.  Then there are the other things, that don't mean as much as those first things - getting TY notes done, cleaning my house, getting rid of all the clutter that drags me down, NOT doing laundry since I already spend most of my weekend doing that! 
3. Yes, I think it would make me a better parents and my family life more peaceful and cohesive because if I could just get out of the rut of clutter and things to do then I could focus more on the girls and I wouldn't feel so crazy and out of control and overwhelmed as I do right this moment.
4. No, we are NOT living our best life together as a family, but honestly, it's not all within our control.  It's not our control that we are a household of four generations, which makes things VERY difficult.  I love our house and I love the relationships that the girls are building with their grandparents and great grandmother, but it's not always roses. 

So, despite the fact that the questions make me feel even more overwhelmed, the blog itself does not, in fact it makes me feel more human and like I'm not alone (http://childhood101.com/2012/10/are-you-living-your-best-family-life/).  Christie says "I want to do one thing at a time and be present in that moment." and boy do I agree.  I want the time to slow down and not look over and see that my babies are now a toddler and a preschooler...I want those baby moments back (and NO I'm not having more - I'm SO unbelievably happy with my 2 beautiful girls who keep me on my toes ALL THE TIME).  But, instead I need to stop looking back analyzing what I could have done or should have done differently and just stand and look forward, get rid of all that holds me back from being the best mother I can be.  Sure, each day I do the best I can, but that still doesn't mean that I'm living the best family life.  There is always room for improvement and I'm ready to improve.  I'm not going to wait for New Years to try to become a better Mom and a better Wife and a better Daughter...I'm going to start right now...I'm just not sure right now how to start...

Has it really been 2 months?!

I am amazed that it has been two months since I've blogged.  I mean, I never considered that I'd be a crazy blogger that blogged every day, but I at least wanted to blog once a week and yeah, I've never been able to do that.  Maybe I need to set a calendar reminder to do it!  Maybe then I'll get to it - and...maybe not!  I came across this blog today and I had to quote her so that not only could I find this great piece of inspiration in the future but also so that I could share it with my friends and other Mom's like me.  I was on the Lazy Saturdays blog (http://www.lazy-saturdays.com/page/2/) and saw this snippet of a post and my reaction was "WOW - she has it exactly on the nose"! 

"Damn the rules. Do you know what makes a good mother? Loving our children, teaching our children, hoping for our children, praying for our children. We know what our babies need. We know it whether they sleep in our beds, whether we work outside the home, whether they have memorized every episode of DORA! or have never seen a TV in their ever lovin’ lives. We are Mommas, for heaven’s sake. We bring life into this world and then raise it up to the light the best way we can. And it doesn’t have to be lonely. We do not have to divided by labels, methods and philosophies.  We are not defined by the way we diaper or discipline.  What if for just a moment, we all acknowledged the grandness of this thing we are a part of, this blessed, God given role? What if we held each others hands and said, “Isn’t it heartbreaking, bright, boring, beautiful, tear-out-your-hair frustrating, and just so magical it hurts?” What if we loved each others children, tantrums and all, because they are just learning and aren’t we all and isn’t it just so hard sometimes? What if we decided that we were all doing just fine, every last one of us? What if, at the end of each day, we realized we had done our best and that was enough?"

That is all for today...hopefully I'll be back sooner than two months from now!

I really don't like the beach…

…it's just not my favorite place. I don't like the taste of salt water on my lips or getting it my eyes when getting splashed by a wave or going under water…I'm much more of a pool person. Then there's the issue of sand in every nook, cranny, crevice, etc. I just don't like it. Well, yesterday made me like it a little more than I ever have…may a lot more…because of the girls. There was just something great about holding them in the water and having the waves splash up on us and then go plunk down on the beach and play with the sand toys and build castles and knock them down. There was a lot of joy in yesterday and my opinion of the beach is a little better than it used to be. I still don't like salt water on my lips and in my eyes though. I'm not sure Hannah did either since every time a wave hit she screamed as if she didn't like it (meanwhile Leyla was gleefully shrieking so obviously she loved it!). Funny that things you really don't like turn out to be things you don't mind when your kids are there :-)

June...and other thoughts...

My goodness, where did the month of June go?!  It feels like just last weekend we were in New Hampshire at Storyland on the rainiest day of the year (of course, because that's how Mahir and I like to do vacations!!!!).  I'm not sure if I posted about that but we had a great time despite the rain and I can't wait to go back next year!  Mahir's mother arrived to meet Hannah and spend 9 weeks with us last Wednesday. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my favorite times of the day.  I'm not sure why but that's just where my thoughts have been.  With Hannah, my favorite parts are around 5 AM when I feed her before going to work.  For those of you who are going to make Time magazine comments, please refrain!  It's a beautiful bonding time together and I'm going to miss it when she does stop getting up.  Then again after work, which is less relaxing, and then before bed, which is wonderful as she ends up falling asleep and Daddy then carries her off to bed.  Hannah's a pistol and keeps us on our toes and definitely keeps me laughing and smiling at her antics.  Last night at dinner she wiped her ketchup hands all over the wall.  Mahir cringed and I laughed and enjoyed it because I know I will miss it when she's older and not doing that.  Leyla is the complete opposite of her sister, hates messy hands, hates food in her lap, etc.  My favorite moments with Leyla are when she calls me at work in the morning and gives me a rundown of what's happened so far that day, when I see her at the train station getting a ticket from Joe and then waving to all the conductors, and when we get to sing songs before bed and the rare times we get to watch and sing with Pajanimals.  I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog today except to let the girls know how much I love them and how much I love their differences and their similarities and how much they love each other.  I'm blessed beyond measure.