Staycation...

I am just finishing an amazing staycation just me and the girls (and Mahir when he wasn't at work).  It was wonderful and I hate to not be able to be with them more.  Grammy and Grampy went on a cruise and with Mahir at work it was just me and the girls.  Yes, I packed it with fun and excitement, but that's what I like to do!  Friday, the hottest day of the summer, I left work early and met Mahir and the girls so that we could go wave to Grammy and Grampy from Castle Island as their ship sailed off into the Atlantic.  Leyla and Hannah wanted to play on the playground but it was just too hot for that.  Saturday we celebrated Mahir's birthday by going to the Stone Zoo and we had a wonderful time, fed the budgies, saw the koalas, went to the bird show, and then went out for some lunch and shopping.  Sunday was a relaxing day at the pool with the girls swimming and having a great time.  Monday the girls and I took the train into Boston, had lunch by the Aquarium, they played in the water on the Greenway, we picked up some sweets at Mike's Pastry, and after visiting my coworkers, the girls played in the Frog Pond and went on the carousel before heading home.  Tuesday Leyla had camp and then we had a playdate and made cookies!  Wednesday we just hung out in the morning, did some errands, and visited Daddy's work and finished the evening out at dinner.  Thursday we did some more hanging out, Hannah and I went to Target while Leyla was at camp, and then we had lunch and went to the library since it was raining.  Finally, Friday we picked up Grammy and Grampy and had a relaxing afternoon. 

The girls definitely challenged me.  They are both in an "irritate your sibling" period and so that tends to leave me yelling or getting frustrated with them.  But, what can you do?  I wouldn't have it any other way and I definitely enjoyed my time off with them and I'm counting the days until I can spend more time with them more than just the evenings and weekends I already do.  XOXOXO

They are challenging me

I love my girls more than life itself, but they are getting to the point that they are seriously challenging me on a daily basis.  I want to be the perfect mother even though perfection really isn't as good as it looks AND each moment I strive to be the perfect mother I fail more and more miserably.  I don't want to yell, but then Leyla lays on top of Hannah or whirls her around too fast and then makes Hannah cry...or Hannah takes something of Leyla's and then Leyla grabs it back from her and then Hannah hits Leyla and then Leyla hits Hannah...it is a vicious cycle and I just feel like I can't get out of it some days!  The days I wish I were a stay at home mom become the I am so glad I'm not because I'd literally be yelling at them all day or then the thoughts are well if I were a stay at home mom maybe they wouldn't be like this and then I get all upset about not being a stay at home mom.  Add on top of it that I'm still breastfeeding Hannah - yes, I am breastfeeding an almost 32 month old - go ahead and judge me...really, I dare you.  But I have only been feeding her twice a day for the last year or so and I just gave up the before bed one last Monday.  I'll give up the morning one soon, but that's my decision and mine alone.  Is that the reason she's not potty training?  I doubt it, but some people want to tell me that's the reason.  I'm honestly kind of sick of other people telling me their opinions about how I should raise my children.  I worked darn hard to get where I am with Leyla and Hannah and so I think I have the right to raise them the way I see fit.  Anyway, I digress...Hannah's stubborn...STUBBORN!  She knows how to use the potty...she chooses not to.  That's the Wight in her and that's the Akarsu in her...double stubborness!  She'll do it when she wants to, even if it is already 6 months after her sister was fully trained...

On another note, I'm pretty excited because next week is my staycation...an entire 9 days starting at 2:30 on Friday afternoon where I get to be with my girls...yes, even after all I described above I'm very excited about it.  I'm not going to clean except while they're napping or hanging out with Daddy in the afternoon and I'm going to enjoy every single second...good or bad...because these moments are so few and far between...I will enjoy them...I'll enjoy them running around the kitchen with only their hoody towels on like they did last night after their bath calling themselves super heroes...and I'll enjoy the mess that they leave because looking at an empty of toys family room after they went to bed last night wasn't so fun...and maybe, just maybe, they'll learn something from me and I'll learn something from them along the way...I hope for me it's more patience.  

I love you Leyla and Hannah...I love kissing you and covering you back up every morning before I go to work...I love you running to me at the train station or when I pick you up at daycare or when I get home from work or anywhere...I love sitting and watching Sophia with you or really anything at all as long as we're snuggling up together...I love that you call me on the phone and ask me to sing you a song and ready you a story before bed...and I wish I did that more...and I promise you that I will...because I know there will be a time where you won't want me to and I'll look back and wish that I did. 

Moving forward

On April 15, 2013 the world changed for me.  I know, that sounds so dramatic, but I really don't think I'm alone, despite the fact that I knew NOONE that was injured or killed in the Boston Marathon Bombings.  One of my best friends was at the finish line and I have to say that my heart skipped when I heard from someone in my office, I don't even know who and what was said, but I remember "bombing"..."finish line"...I couldn't text her fast enough and I cried the moment I got the text back that she was OK.  And then to hold her later that night and cry thinking of how close she was and that I could've lost her.  I definitely shielded the girls from what was going on - except when the President was on and I informed Leyla it was the law for us to listen to the President just so she would let me watch what he had to say that night.  Otherwise I was left to streaming news and facebook to know what was happening, but I know the girls knew something was causing the distraction of Mommy's full attention.  There was a huge change the next day going into the city - it was surreal...it was just so different and yet indescribeable...people looked at each other...really looked at each other...and the sadness on everyone's hearts was obvious as well.  Then the rest of that week...we went on vacation on Thursday morning, April 18th and headed through Boston, seeing Mass Ave. closed waiting on the President heading to the prayer service.  We listened to the service on the cell phone as we drove and eventually lost our data and streaming became quite difficult.  That night we snuggled into bed at our destination, turning off our phones, never imagining all that was about to go down at home.  I woke up and turned on the phone at 7:30 AM to find a text from my Dad that my building was closed, and a voicemail talking about shelter-in-place, and a text from the MBTA stating that the entire T system was shut down.  I couldn't believe how only 8 or so hours with the phone off and I missed so much.  I was worried about my friends and family and coworkers all at home.  Getting news in Maine was difficult and I relied heavily on Facebook and I'm so grateful for those that kept me updated.  I went through the day visiting with former professors and walking around campus with the girls, seeing where Mahir and I met, fell in love, and got engaged.  It was wonderful, but my heart was definitely home with everyone.  I was finally able to breathe and relax and enjoy our time in Maine once I heard that the suspect had been captured.  But yet, it hasn't ended.  Somethings going on inside of me that I can't explain except to say that I have now been in almost a month long "funk"...I can't seem to get out of my own way...I'm not focusing on everything the way I need to...and I think about how I'm not living my life the way I should...I want to live a good life and be a good person for those four victims of the bombing and those who have lost limbs and are unable to live the life I can.  And yes, I know that I'm a good person, but I WANT to be better...better for myself, better for my girls, better for my husband, better for my parents, and better for my family, friends, and coworkers.  So, it's time...time for me to put what happened in April behind me and move forward...for everyone, but most especially for myself.  I'm including this picture from Huffington post that I found of the outside of my building...I probably know the guard, though I can't make out who it is...but I want to remember...remember that Friday where our city shut down and that week and this whole month where the whole city came together.  I pray that the violence ends, but I'm not naive to think that it will, but I'm not sure how I can ever explain to the girls why people do what they do. 

Disappointed...

So, I'm going to have a few moments of negativity and then I'm going to try to move on.  I haven't blogged in 4 months...seriously?!  4 months...4 months where I could have been describing all the funny and crazy things that the girls have done and said so that when I'm senile and the girls are reading my blog they will know what was going on when they were 4 and 2.  The last time I blogged I was New Years Eve and I was hoping 2013 would be better...well, it has and it hasn't...Mahir got laid off from Talbots the same day that Mom and I got slammed with the stomach bug in January and he just recently got hired by TJX and started last Monday in time for the stomach bug to hit us again.  Boy, are we ready for spring! 

Funny things that Hannah has done...she is a pistol...she really is...she keeps us hopping but also keeps us laughing and smiling.  I had been calling Mahir a pain in the bum, so one morning she goes "Daddy, you're a pain in the bum" and then she paused and said "Just kidding!" and it was THE cutest thing hearing the way she said "kidding" and accentuated the "just" and "ing".  I wish I had caught it on video!  Also, last week she was eating fruit loops at daycare and a little one (7 months old I think) stole a fruit loop, so she reached in and tried to take the fruit loop out of her mouth and ended up getting a little nibble on her finger, leaving no marks of course.  Well, all Hannah could say was "she took my fruit loop!" and was so serious and determined I couldn't help but laugh!!!!

Leyla...she's almost done with her first year of PRESCHOOL!  When did that happen?!  She's enjoying it so much and I can't believe how far she's come this year and how well she has done in school.  Grampy has Shadow duty every night - not by our choice, but by Shadow's choice (Shadow's our cat for those who don't know).  He'll be trying to do dishes or sit down to watch TV and Shadow will harass him like crazy!  He'll come over to our side and feed her and the other night he said "why do we give her wet food when she doesn't eat it?!" and from out of nowhere Leyla goes "because the shelter told us too!".  Shadow has now been with us for 2 years...so Leyla was only 2 years old when they went to the shelter and got Shadow so for her to remember that and to voice that to Grampy was pretty hilarious! 

OK, so goal for next time is to blog sooner...and, as was the initial point of my blog, not complain about not being a stay at home Mom or missing things or all the other stuff I spent most of last year complaining about...instead, enjoying what I have and sharing the ups and downs with you so that when the girls are older they can look back and see all the funny things they did and all that jazz. 

2012

2012 was a good year and a bad year.  Any year I have with my girls is a good year for sure.  I am completely and utterly blessed to have an amazing family, but most especially two little girls that make me so happy every day. 

Leyla, you've had a great year - I know that it's been hard in some senses with the reality that you have some sensory processing issues, but I'm so glad I caught it early so that you can go to Occupational Therapy and that we can make some changes on how we deal with things to make it easier for you.  I can't believe you started preschool this year - I know how much you're enjoying being with Anthony and how much you are learning and how much fun you are having.  I was so proud of you watching you sing "Away in a Manger" at our Church Pageant and for being Mary in your school's Christmas Program.  Who would have thought 4 years ago as Michelle and I were holding you and Anthony that you would end up best friends and playing Mary and "Jofis" (Joseph) together.  I'm sad that Anthony is moving and that you won't be able to see each other as often after preschool but I know that you will remain such amazing friends.  You are completely obsessed with Cinderella and although your Daddy wishes everything weren't Cinderella, I know he enjoys watching your excitement, for example, last night when we put your new Cinderella comforter on your bed.  I can't wait to take you to Disney and the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique in 18 months (August 2014!).  You amaze me everyday and I'm so proud of you.  I love you Leyla.

Hannah, 20 miles of bad road as Grammy calls you...you are a pistol!  You're very outgoing and always into things.  Your vocabulary is insane for only a 25 month old - I remember going to see Dr. Tai for your 2 year appointment and she asked about words and if you were able to string things together and suddenly, before I could answer, you said "I don't want to do that" and Dr. Tai said "nevermind"!  You definitely let us know what you want and what you don't want.  You are always so bright eyed and smiley and obsessed with the color orange, Phil the monkey, Caillou (so is your sister), Angelina Ballerina, and Minnie/Mickey Mouse.  I may be judged for this part, but I don't care...you're still nursing...Grammy says we need to go "cold turkey" but I just don't see you as the type to do that - you'll stop when you're ready and I'm not ready to force you to stop...not doing anyone harm so why should I care?  Thanks for being my cuddlebug and keeping me on my toes.  I can't wait to see what you and your sister have in store for me over the years.  I love you Hannah. 

2012 was a hard year with being very part time caregiver for Nan.  I am amazed by the care Mom provided her, right up until the last moment on December 8th.  Nan had a rough 5 months starting in July when she went to the hospital, then home, then back to the hospital, then rehab, then home for about 3 weeks and then back to the hospital and rehab, returning home in early November.  Thanks to hospice we were able to keep her home with us until the end, although it still was extremely difficult on all of us and it's going to take awhile to get into our new normal.  I'm so grateful for the time that Nan had with Leyla and Hannah.  She was told by her doctor in December of 2008 that she had 3 months.  Well, she surpassed that by over 3.5 years and ended up having 5 more great-grandchildren!  Sure, she made me mad every time she laughed when Leyla did something she shouldn't have and got angry when the girls were on her couch just being kids, but I wouldn't change that time for the world.  I hope she's up in heaven telling Pa all about the two little girls that rock my world and who he would have loved so much, just like he loved me. 

2013...I pray you're an amazing year. 

Same old...and new normal...

If anything has happened over the last several days in my mind it's that I don't care what gets done, well, at least not as much as I did before.  The poor babies that were killed in Connecticut make me treasure my girls and my time with them and the rest of the family even more. 

I feel like my blog has a pattern - not being able to get done what I expect myself to get done and not being able to do these things because I'm a working Mom who doesn't get to spend much time at home.  I'm hoping that I don't remain so boring with the same complaints and thoughts.  It's been a rough couple of months with lots of things going on, some of which I will talk about and some I won't.  We've been blessed to have Mom and Dad, especially Mom, be the caregivers for the girls since the end of September.  All I will say is that it wasn't a choice I wanted to make but I also didn't have a choice.  On top of that, since July Nan had been in and out of rehab, hospital, and back home.  Her congestive heart failure made it hard to breathe which started the pattern one July evening where she went to the hospital...until she came home and went back and then went to rehab twice between July and the end of October when she came home.  The day after veteran's day she started on hospice care and went peacefully to be with Pa in heaven on Saturday morning, December 8th.  We were blessed to have her with us for 4 years after the doctor in Florida gave her 3 months back in December of 2008.  But are we really surprised with the very strong Russian woman that Nan was?  No.  And I pray that I am as blessed as she was, to have family care for her and be with her all the time, to have had 6 great-grandchildren and live with 2 of them to watch them grow.  As much as it pissed me off when it happened, I will remember Nan for laughing when the girls did something they weren't supposed to do, and taking them all (including Shadow the cat) on rides with her "wheels" (rolling walker). 

We are settling into a new normal at home and though it's not easy and the girls are definitely testing the waters, we are hoping for a nice Christmas this year.  For someone who had the majority of the shopping done before Thanksgiving and the tree up the day after Thanksgiving, I haven't done well past that.  Things still on my to-do list on 12/18 are: Christmas cards, decorating the tree, putting the stockings up, and LOTS OF WRAPPING, nevermind the things I wanted to do like make reindeer on canvas with the girls footprints and Christmas lights on canvas with the girls fingerprints!  But I'm going to take Nate Berkus' advice from his blog to heart and "make time for movie night by the glow of white tree lights, hot chocolate and laughter by the fire and the happy satisfaction of knowing no store line for holiday presents kept you from being present for those you love".  Thanks Nate for the reminder of what's really important even though I know it, it's still nice to be reminded.  (Quote courtesy of: http://www.nateberkus.com/tis-the-season/)

My Best Family Life?

So I came across a blog (through pinterest looking for who knows what) and it's about "Living Your Best Family Life" and I don't think I am.  The questions the blogger asked are: Do you wish you had more time? What would you use it for? Would it make you a better parent or your family life more peaceful and cohesive? Are you living your BEST life together as a family?  So, here we go, let me answer:
1. Yes, OF COURSE I wish I had more time!  Doesn't everyone?!  Seriously, name one person in this world who wishes they didn't have more time!
2. I would use it for SO MANY THINGS - play with Leyla and Hannah and kiss them and hug them and tell them how much I love them and show them how much I love them.  Then there are the other things, that don't mean as much as those first things - getting TY notes done, cleaning my house, getting rid of all the clutter that drags me down, NOT doing laundry since I already spend most of my weekend doing that! 
3. Yes, I think it would make me a better parents and my family life more peaceful and cohesive because if I could just get out of the rut of clutter and things to do then I could focus more on the girls and I wouldn't feel so crazy and out of control and overwhelmed as I do right this moment.
4. No, we are NOT living our best life together as a family, but honestly, it's not all within our control.  It's not our control that we are a household of four generations, which makes things VERY difficult.  I love our house and I love the relationships that the girls are building with their grandparents and great grandmother, but it's not always roses. 

So, despite the fact that the questions make me feel even more overwhelmed, the blog itself does not, in fact it makes me feel more human and like I'm not alone (http://childhood101.com/2012/10/are-you-living-your-best-family-life/).  Christie says "I want to do one thing at a time and be present in that moment." and boy do I agree.  I want the time to slow down and not look over and see that my babies are now a toddler and a preschooler...I want those baby moments back (and NO I'm not having more - I'm SO unbelievably happy with my 2 beautiful girls who keep me on my toes ALL THE TIME).  But, instead I need to stop looking back analyzing what I could have done or should have done differently and just stand and look forward, get rid of all that holds me back from being the best mother I can be.  Sure, each day I do the best I can, but that still doesn't mean that I'm living the best family life.  There is always room for improvement and I'm ready to improve.  I'm not going to wait for New Years to try to become a better Mom and a better Wife and a better Daughter...I'm going to start right now...I'm just not sure right now how to start...