My messy house

I love my messy house.  Well, not always, but when I think of the alternative, I love my messy house.  A messy house is a lived in house.  Sure, I don't want it so messy I can't function, which some of the rooms definitely are and I'm going to work on hopefully this weekend.  I mean, I absolutely HATE that I can't find my gloves, especially on these cold days, so I will find them this weekend.  But, I look at all the toys and stuffed animals and blankets strewn about and I know that our house is a fun, played in, exciting house filled with lots of laughter.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, but I think we are a happy family.  We are lucky to have such amazing girls and I wouldn't change my messy and chaotic life for anything.  Yes, every day I wish I were a stay at home Mom and every day I wish I could find things and every day I wish that Leyla wouldn't have tantrums, but again, what's the alternative?  A life without my girls?  That would be unimagineable.  So, I am thankful for my messy house.  And I'm thankful for our girl time last night while Daddy went to the movies - girl time taking a shower, getting all lotioned up and in jammies, and then snuggling on the bed reading lots of books.  So, instead of cleaning my house I'm going to just keep making fabulous memories...and maybe during their nap I'll find my gloves...or maybe I should just go buy a new pair!

I went outside today!

Sounds kind of funny, like they let me out for a special visit to go outside!  I went outside today for the first break I have been able to go outside for since I came back from maternity leave on February 7th!  The reason for this is that I was spending my breaks in the special room designated for us BFing Moms down at the health center.  I'm one of those moms that had NO PROBLEM pumping and I still don't my once a day.  It was my time to be doing something for Hannah and after a rough "back to work" where I felt much worse than I had after coming back from maternity leave with Leyla, I needed that time.  I was able to relax, take some time for myself, have some peace and quiet in my crazy day, and I have read a RIDICULOUS number of books (seriously, read the entire Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum series and MORE!).  I'm truly going to miss these moments, but I am excited about what's to come and to be able to head outside in the fresh (but very cold) air.  Sure, at the time I missed not being able to go outside during the summer but every time I thought about it I was OK with it, knowing that next summer I'd be outside and there's only this one chance to do this special something for Hannah.  So, today, I went outside.  I went to Subway and got lunch.  I walked down the street with this grin on my face, so much so that someone passing me smiled and said "Hi" to me.  I'm going to enjoy getting back outside and maybe this time I won't work through lunch or eat lunch at my desk - from now on I'm going to make good use of my lunch and go for walks, soak in the sun and air.  BUT I'm always going to remember fondly my special time in that room - I really enjoy/have enjoyed my time there.

I feel guilty being thankful but isn't that what you're supposed to do?

I read about a mother and an 18 month old little girl battling cancer this morning and the mother's blog and the fact that the 18 month old little girl passed away yesterday.  It made me so sad, made me sob, though I don't know them, my heart breaks for them.  And then I say out loud, "Thank you God for my happy and healthy little girls".  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Hannah gets into the snack drawer and trashes it and climbs the stairs when I'm not looking and goes and steals something she shouldn't have and runs away with it laughing the whole time, she is healthy.  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Leyla has a breakdown and cries and screams over something stupid or says NO to me every time I tell her to do something or fights me over something, she is healthy.  It's times like this I question my faith, and I hate that I do that but I also know it makes me human to question things, but I question why God would allow a mother and a daughter to get cancer, for that father to watch his wife and daughter suffer, and then take their only child from them.  How am I supposed to be a strong Christian woman who my daughters can look up to when I question these things?  <BIG SIGH>  I know that God will never give us more than we can handle but sometimes I feel like he trusts some of us too much.  I love you Leyla and Hannah - you are truly God's gifts to me and I will treasure you always.  I hope that I can be a good enough mother that you can be proud of and look up to. 

Time flies when you're having fun

I can't believe it's been three months since I posted here.  It's amazing how time flies and that within the next 72 hours my baby will turn 1.  I have thought about different things that I could write about over the last three months and of couse when I think about these things and blog in my mind, they never get "onto paper" and get posted here.  So, here are some random thoughts:

Leyla and Hannah are so unbelievably different, which is a great thing of course - who would want kids that are exactly the same?!  Leyla came out with blond peach fuzz on the top of her head and Hannah came out with a whole bunch of dark brown hair!  Leyla didn't get to attempt to latch until 12 hours after she was born and with a tongue issue that she had, she never did latch correctly and I was too overwhelmed by the "crazy lactation consultants" that I didn't even attempt going to the support group and so after 4 weeks of pumped milk being put into bottles, my supply ran out.  This time around Mahir and I were determined to have the baby latch successfully.  Many don't know that Hannah swallowed a large amount of fluid coming out and turned blue several times according to Mahir (I was of course laying on a table with a sheet covering my view of everything - which probably was a good thing!) and I didn't actually get to see my baby for the first time until I was being pushed out of the OR.  Thankfully she was OK and able to join me in recovery and latched successfully almost immediately.  AND she hasn't stopped!  Sure, we had our ups and downs, but thanks to the lactation consultants and daily support group, we've made it - 72 hours from now I get to celebrate the amazing journey Hannah and I took this year.  I have to say I have felt guilty along the way because I never got to do this with Leyla BUT then I remember that Leyla had my undivided attention for 2 years before her sister arrived and so this was something I could do with just Hannah.  I'm pretty darn proud of Hannah and I and also for the support of my family and friends, which was essential.

Do you remember what it was like to be sick before kids?  Pretty awesome, right?  You get up, feel like a bus rolled over you, and you're able to lay on the couch, watch TV, sleep, etc.  NOT SO when you have kids - you have no choice but to get up and keep going.  About a month ago I stayed home sick and not only was I home but so were the girls and although Mom was fabulous, I still had the responsibility of taking care of them, even though I felt horrid!  And, as luck would have it, the girls napped separately no matter how hard I tried to put them down together so I could get a nap.  BUT I wouldn't go back to being childless for ANYTHING. 

I will miss all of this 5 years from now - hell, I'll miss this 1 year from now.  I may have my body back at that point but I will miss middle of the night nursing sessions, which are the most amazing things I think I have ever experienced.  It is amazing to be needed as much as I have been this year.  I know as the years go on the girls will not need me the way they do now so I'm going to enjoy every second they do need me. 

And hopefully it won't be 3 more months til my next blog! 

I want to be a kid again...

I want to be a little kid again...well, maybe not since I was teased way too much as a child and a teenager (and sometimes even as an adult) but, I digress...I want to be able to be in awe of the little things again...the little things that we as adults just don't appreciate the way we should...what brought this thought to mind is watching as Leyla's eyes lit up as Joe, my train conductor, handed her a little ticket scrap, which he punched just for her as she waited for me to get off the train last Wednesday...and the way Hannah's eyes light up when she sees her monkey (Phil) or when she is holding her play spatula from the girls' kitchen set and she suddenly breaks out in her scrinchy smile that she is so famous for.  So, right now I am going to think of the little things that have made today (OK, yesterday since I wrote this Sunday but am posting this Monday) so wonderful and in no particular order they are:

• The little girl sound asleep still eating in my lap as I write this
• The other little girl who just called out "Daddy" through the monitor having just woken up from her nap
• Leyla asking me to read to her earlier and showing me her picture she titled "The Woods"
• Hannah reaching out to me when I walk away for just a moment

Really, now that I think about it these are not little things...they are the big things I am going to long for years from now.  I love you Leyla. I love you Hannah.

Great Expectations

I have all these expectations that I place upon myself.  Expectations on how I will parent, how I will spend my weekend, things I will accomplish and it's really getting to be too much.  So, today, on this Friday, instead of making a list of things that need to get done this weekend that I will lose and never complete, I'm not making a list.  Instead, my expectations for myself will be that which I can be successful at completing...I will spend the weekend with my girls and spend as much quality time as I possibly can with them...we will go to the pool, we will go for a walk, we will go to a party, and if those are the only things that we do this weekend I will be OK with it.  Please excuse the mess of my house...please excuse my disorganization...please excuse the fact that I can't post pictures on facebook for all to see in a timely manner...please excuse whatever it is that I can't get done...I'm busy making memories that will last a lifetime. 

A little girl and her bear...

I have had this blog for several months now.  I want so badly to be able to record the girls lives and share my thoughts and feelings but life happens and you run out of time so I need to start making more time to do this.  Leyla and Hannah are my world and so I found the title of this blog to be quite appropriate.  And now for my first real blog! 

Leyla loves her bear.  I’m not exactly sure how Bear (that is her name!) was chosen to be her “lovey” (as the Pajanimals sing about on their DVD we watch quite often) but one day when she was probably around 8 months old she took to Bear, who had been around since she was born, and that was it.  I definitely would have preferred for her to have chosen the little blanket lamb or something much more washable!  The instructions for Bear are to surface clean as she is a musical bear who has legs that are pulled down and go up with the music (the lullaby song).  Bear has been taken pretty much everywhere, funny though not to Aunt Pat’s as she has a special Bear that lives there!  Leyla loves to hold Bear’s hand up to her face while she watches TV, sleeps, or just when she needs to be comforted – I think doing this relaxes her in a way nothing else can and as Val has been my “lovey” since 1^st grade I know the feeling.  What amazes me about Leyla and Bear is that Leyla is quite OCD.  Things need to be perfect and just so with her almost at all times.  But Bear, well, now at almost 2 years of being Leyla’s lovey, she has been washed in the washing machine (post stomach bug at the strike of midnight New Years this year) despite the “surface wash only” directions, she has been opened and closed several times by Daddy and Grammy to get the mechanisms working again, and now her legs hang low and she does not play music much at all.  But Leyla LOVES HER just the way she is, barely any pink left in her, legs hanging low and unable to play music…it doesn’t matter to Leyla because Bear is her true love.  I look at Leyla and her love of Bear and see that she is already a Mommy…she loves her Bear unconditionally no matter what…just like I love my Leyla and my Hannah unconditionally and will always no matter what…they are perfect to me and always will be. 

Bear with Leyla at her 18 month photos - June 2010

Bear out trick or treating with Leyla - October 2010

Bear with Leyla at her 2 year photos - November 2010