Mother's Day Homily

Sharing the homily I wrote for today's church service (Mother's Day 2016)

When Colette asked me to give the homily on this Mother’s Day my first thought was AHHHHHH I’m not sure I can handle another thing to do!  Then my second thought was, WOW, maybe this is my chance.  I’ve been struggling lately and trying to think of a way to move forward.  I feel like life is just a juggling act at all times and my balls are all in the air – family, work, home, church, friends – and at any moment one of them may drop.  The last 8 months or so has been pretty challenging – between changing jobs, Mom’s surgery and recovery, a family vacation that wasn’t as we expected it would be, and just a rough winter with illnesses both in my immediate family and extended family.  It’s been an act of survival with all of us just keeping our heads above water.

I’m blessed.  I have an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally, two beautiful girls that are the light of my life, two parents who have been there for me supporting me through everything and taking care of my family more than grandparents should have to, wonderful friends, and a job that I love.  But, being everything to everyone is hard…amazing, but hard.  The thing with mothers is we are everything to everyone and often that comes with not taking good enough care of ourselves.  I know that I’m a good mother, but there are days I definitely second guess how good a mother I really am!  I neglect myself physically and mentally more than I’d like to admit to.  I’ve struggled with my weight for over half my life and though I’ve taken steps this last year to improve myself physically, I haven’t done as much as I should.  And the reasons for that come down to being a mother and a wife and a daughter and having too much on my plate, which I know we all struggle with.

I have faith that God won’t give me more than I can handle, but just like that saying, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much!  Living in a house with 4 adults is wonderful and challenging at that same time.  Mahir and I have been blessed that ever since we brought Leyla home from the hospital that her grandparents have been there for us and for her and for Hannah.  Parenting is sometimes difficult because all 4 of us discipline and when we don’t all agree it becomes quite the ordeal!  Mom and Dad make it easier for us to be able to work and not throw our entire paycheck to daycares or after school care.  Mom prepares meals so that after a 12 hour day of commuting and working, I don’t have to worry about that and we can all eat together each night.  But the blessing of having my parents with us is also a worry of mine – a worry because I am the only child and I will take care of my parents in their later years – something I have no problem doing and after all they have done for me and my family, I want to do – but something I’m not ready to face as taking care of them in their later years also means I won’t have them in my later years. 

For me, just because I have faith, doesn’t mean I fear things any less. In fact, my fear was so amplified at times that I was having trouble getting through some days without crying. As much as some people would say that medicine shouldn’t be used, taking the step to see my doctor and get on my small dose antidepressant has allowed me to get through the day without having my mind in a million different places worrying about more things than I should.  And I still worry, I mean, who doesn’t?  I worry that I’m not being a good enough wife, mother, daughter, and friend.  I say yes to more things than I should!  But I believe, because of my faith, that at the end of the day no matter what has happened and no matter where I have failed in my life on that particular day, that God, as my ultimate parent, loves me unconditionally, and I have a chance to start fresh the next day, with him giving me the forgiveness I need and strength to continue to try.  I have faith, maybe not as strong a faith as many of you, but I do have faith.  It’s another thing I need to improve, but the motto I have recently begun to keep in the forefront of my mind is “Progress not Perfection”.  As long as I am doing better than I was the day before, even an ounce better, then I’m doing OK. 

Going back almost 20 years, If life wasn’t hard enough as I moved out and started college, deciding what I wanted to do for my career, ultimately changing majors completely from engineering to business, It became more challenging when I met my husband when I was just a sophomore and a very young 19 years old.  My Mom was always worried I’d come home from way up in Maine with a Mainer that would move me up into the woods – never did she imagine that I’d come home and tell her that my boyfriend was a Turkish Muslim.  I prayed daily in my dorm room that if Mahir and I were not meant to be, for God to put obstacles in our way that would not allow us to be together.  While the idea of me dating someone that was not Christian was a bit of a surprise to my parents, in the end, love won, and my parents began to approve.  Obstacles were put in our way through the next 5 years of our relationship, including over 2 years where we only saw each other a total of 6 weeks, but none of them were permanent obstacles.  On June 1^st of 2004 we were married on the hill across the street from this church.  Yes, we have our differences because of the two religions that we practice and the cultures we both come from.  Mahir’s family and his culture, though they are different, they all want the same things as we do.  His mother is a wonderful woman who loves her sons unconditionally, just like my mother loves me unconditionally, just like I love my daughters unconditionally, and above all, just like God loves all his children unconditionally.  Ever since the beginning of our relationship, Mahir and I have always agreed that there is one God and whether we call him God or Allah, he is the one we follow.  We may not agree on some of the smaller stuff, but when it comes to raising our daughters knowing both religions and to be good people, that we agree on, and that’s the most important. 

The last several years, particularly since the bombing at the Boston Marathon and different terror attacks throughout the world driven by Isis who claim to be attacking in the name of Allah, have made it very difficult to be a Muslim and to be the wife of a Muslim.  Mahir has much thicker skin than I do and can just shrug off the statements about “ALL Muslims being terrorists,” but I have a much harder time and often find myself correcting those who make those statements.  The words people use are very hurtful to me because I love an amazing man who happens to be a Muslim.  The words are hurtful to me because they are inaccurate and the last thing I want is for those words to be spoken to Leyla and Hannah and have them be hurt by that hate.  The overwhelming message of the Quran is that peace is found through faith in God.   Anyone claiming to be performing an act of terror in the name of Allah is not obeying the wishes of Allah or the words of the Quran.  They are the same as those of all other religions who claim that their acts of terror and hate are in the name of their religion.  We need to stop blaming all Muslims for acts of terror by ISIS just like we don’t blame all Christians, Jews, and Sikhs for acts that their extremists have carried out.  Labeling a particular group in such a hateful way is teaching our future generations more hate than we’ve seen in a long time, and that is scary.

Facebook and Pinterest and all the social media crazes out there have added to the pressure of being a mother, telling us that being the perfect parent means having an immaculate house and a perfectly behaved child.  This makes many of us feel like we’re failing.  That if we put the kids in front of the television or tablets and order takeout and have piles of laundry everywhere and an explosion of toys all over the house, that we’re doing it wrong.  But in reality, those are the parents that are not being realistic with themselves.  They’re not willing to show their imperfections.  And God wants to see our imperfections.  He wants us to show him that we need help and that we are willing to learn from our mistakes and carry on trying our best. 

On this Mother’s Day I want to praise all of you fellow Moms out there – moms, grandmothers, and godmothers.  Thank you for what you have done for your families and what you continue to do.  Let’s keep supporting and uplifting each other, because we know the struggles we each face.   To my own mother Barbara and my godmother Regina, you both have shown me the strength, commitment, and love that it takes to be amazing mothers, and I can only hope that someday I am half the woman that both of you are.   I love you. 

And now I would like to leave you with a prayer I found while putting together this homily:

Dear God,
Thank you for blessing me with my beautiful, wonderful children.  Thank you for equipping me for motherhood, even though I don’t feel equipped on most days. Thank you for giving me grace in my faults, and for teaching me to give grace to my children in their faults. Thank you, Lord, for the awesome privilege of raising your perfect gifts.  Please, Jesus, help me to be kind, patient, gentle, and loving; slow to anger, and quick to forgive, just like you.
Amen.

A reader...and something else...

Last night, on January 14, 2015, Leyla read her first book.  She sat at the table while I was doing dishes and read Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs & Ham with Grammy. Sure, there were a couple of challenging words, but here we go - she's off and running with reading. I can't believe we've reached this point - 4 teeth gone, 2.5 grown back in so far...a kindergartener who is one of her teacher's favorite students and is an amazing student...and now a reader! I remember being pregnant with her and now here she is growing and flourishing. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about people and how individuals treat you...I'm really at a loss for how people can say things and commit to things and how they can walk away from commitments without a care in the world...it's happened too many times I can't even count...and I'd truly like to hope that my children don't have to witness this as much in their lives as I already have. When I deal with people and situations I'm of the belief that you should treat people the way you'd want to be treated and going even further, the way you'd want your daughter, son, mother, father, spouse, etc. to be treated. That's the way I've lived my life and I will continue to do so. I can only hope that one day I won't have to experience people who commit themselves to me and something in my life and not have them break that commitment. 

I'm grateful for my family and friends and my beautiful daughters, who though they all make me crazy sometimes, they make me very happy and proud. 

Thankful

It's that time of year where Facebook explodes with daily thankful posts. I've done this in the past and then gotten upset with myself when I don't post what I'm thankful that day, which I feel is not the point of the activity. I feel like Facebook and Pinterest and all these things have set mothers up to feel like we're not living up to the lives we should be living. So, instead of posting on Facebook this year what I'm thankful for each day, I'm going to use this post to tell my couple of readers what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for those who do read my blog - I'm not the greatest writer and I don't blog very often, but I'm thankful for those of you who follow me.

I'm thankful for my family who supports me in everything I do - my parents, who are my rocks, who raised me to be a pretty good person, and support my husband, girls, and I more than I could ever imagine - Mahir, who has loved me unconditionally since the moment we met and gave up so much to be here with me - Leyla and Hannah, who have loved me unconditionally from the moment they were born and can make me feel like the most important person in the world to them and drive me crazy all in one moment. You are my world and I can only hope that each day of the rest of my life I can be a better daughter, wife, and mother to the 5 of you. 

I'm thankful for my true friends - the ones who have stood by me through thick and thin - the ones who don't leave because I don't have a chance to email or call or drop by in days, weeks, months, etc.

I'm thankful for my job and my boss and all those who challenge me day in and day out to be a better worker. 

I'm thankful for my amazing godparents, who have been adoptive godparents to my husband and girls from the moment they entered my life, for my church family, and our amazing priest who is also my friend.

I'm thankful for the roof over my head, for my health despite the extra weight I carry, for iced tea, for sunrises and sunsets, for my Dad's camp and the amazing summer we had there and so many more to come, for fires in the wood stove, and all the little things and the big things that make life what it is.

I'm thankful.

Time & the little things

First of all, I can't believe I haven't blogged in 5 months.  Yes, I'm crazy busy, but this blog is important to me and I'd like to be able to make the time to post.  The last time I blogged I had a preschooler...now I'm a month away from sending Leyla to kindergarten and Hannah to preschool.  Where did time go?  When did they grow up and no longer look like those little babies that are in the photo of the front of my blog?  Yes, time flies, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm trying very hard to enjoy every second.  Some days are better than others as any fellow Mom will understand.  We're having a great summer, spending some time each weekend down at "Camp David" (that's for another blog post) and soaking up as much time as possible before back to school. 

Part of my intention in creating my blog at the beginning was to teach my girls some things and leave them words of wisdom for down the road.  I have lots of thoughts and never get them down in this blog but this morning's event was very important for me to document.  We all know that the little things are important and I hope that Leyla and Hannah learn this as well.  As society seems to become more and more selfish and people walk around with their noses in their phones, I'd like to teach the girls that the little things matter and that they need to look up and look around them.  Dennis, the Boston Herald man, stands across from South Station selling his newspapers.  He always greets me and my fellow commuters as we come across the street and puts a smile on our faces each morning (EARLY - 6:30 AM!).  Recently he started using sidewalk chalk and writing words of wisdom, including my favorite giving us "warriors", as he calls us, encouragement as we begin our day.  I don't know if he realizes how important his notes are to me and my day.  So, the other day I was at the Dollar Tree and I bought a box of chalk to give him.  I forgot it on Monday and again Tuesday and so I brought it today.  You would have thought I had given him the world when I held up that box of chalk.  He jumped up and down like an excited kid and gave me a hug.  He was so appreciative of a box that cost me $1.  I made his day and he definitely made my day and I'm sure will continue to make my days going forward as I see the words, pictures, and inspiration he provides us.  I am grateful for the little things that truly are big things.  I challenge everyone to do something little each day because it really could be a big thing to someone.  And I challenge my girls to try and live life with the little things being just as important as the big things. 

I love you Leyla and Hannah.  You are my world.

Thank you

There is a board on Facebook that I belong to. It annoys me and I learn things from it, both at the same time. As the majority of those who read this know, I am not a stay at home mom. Yes, I would like to be, but I'm not. Anyway, a topic of thank you notes has come up on the blog, and so much of me wants to fire back a huge response to the question, but I was very simple and direct I thought. I definitely believe in thank you notes - when I receive them I get happy and I appreciate the thought that individual has put into them - most of the time. The rest of the time it just reminds me of the guilt I feel for not having thank you notes from the girls birthday party done. I don't have any excuse other than I'm constantly out straight and don't have a moment to breathe, and Leyla and I are never really in a place where we can do them together - that and 3.5 months later, are we just going to look stupid sending them?! Some of the time when I receive a thank you note I get angry - angry that the people that I get them from have the time that I don't - that within 2.5 seconds of the birthday party a thank you note is in the mail. I'm going to do thank you notes for the girls birthday presents and Christmas presents, and hopefully this week, so if you get one from me, please don't make me feel stupid for sending it so late. And for those who I may have never sent a thank you note to over the years, I'm so grateful for everything you have given me, Mahir, and our girls over the years. So unbelievably grateful, and my lack of a thank you note at times shouldn't make you think I'm not grateful. 

Bedtime

Bedtime at our house is chaotic...bedtime at our house is truly an unpredictable event...and yes, we bring it upon ourselves!  Mahir and I try to swap off on bedtime that way if we have time to read a story it's Turkish one night and English the next.  But, I'm going to sit here and admit, I don't remember the last time that we read snuggled up in bed.  It makes me sad BUT then again I know that we're doing other things that are important.  The girls get read to by Grammy, Grampy, Miss Becky, Miss Linda, etc.  Instead, I do different things with them that I think they'll also remember.  Time flies when we get home from work between 5 and 5:30 and next thing you know it's 8 PM!  Time to get clothes picked from tomorrow in a dire attempt at making mornings less crazy for Grammy and Grampy - and then into pajamas and onto the couch for snuggle time.  New to the routine is one episode of Full House - a show that really was a part of my childhood and one that the girls enjoy as well.  Then ATTEMPT to get upstairs and do all the teeth brushing, potty, tucking in, etc.  Some night we read, some nights we sing songs, and some nights we do none of that and say oh my goodness, it's already 9:30!  Don't judge - I'm a working Mom that if I didn't keep my kids up with me until just before my own bedtime I'd never see them and neither would Mahir.  In any case, the point of my blog today is about something that made me really proud last night.  In addition to Mahir and I taking turns putting them to bed, the girls take turns who gets to brush their teeth first.  It's always a competition, some nights better than others...last night it was Leyla's turn.  Hannah rushed up in front of her and started pushing her buttons.  I removed Hannah from the stool and proceeded to take care of Leyla - Hannah disappeared to go hide under a bed someone upset with me.  So I told her that if she didn't come out I'd be going downstairs.  She didn't so I went downstairs - or so she thought - I only hid a couple stairs down.  While I hated to hear Hannah cry she does have to learn to do what Mommy asks her to.  I hear Leyla get out of bed and start comforting Hannah and giving her this whole pep talk and everything that Hannah should say to me to have me come back upstairs "say you're sorry and that you won't do it again" all with this very soft and comforting tone.  If I learned anything last night it's that my girls will have each other's backs no matter what - yeah, I wish I had a sister but that can't be changed and I'm so lucky to have what I do have - but I also felt like I had done something right.  In all the yelling and all the frustrating times, I've done something right that makes Leyla a kind soul that takes care of her little sister more often than not. 

Expecting too much?

It's been quite awhile since I blogged...been crazy busy but yet have so much to talk about.  But I'll start with today.  I definitely feel like I expect too much of my family at times.  I took today off and planned this great day with Mahir, the girls, and my parents, going to see Santa at Bass Pro Shops, head to the outlets, have a late lunch, and end the day looking at the gorgeous light display at LaSalette Shrine.  Well, it wasn't as amazing as I imagined, with everyone smiling the whole time and everyone having a great time.  We had a great time but it was filled with drama and someone not being happy at least one part of the day (more times for the little ones).  I then wonder, why do I plan these outings?  Is this how it's going to be when we go to Disney next year?  Who am I trying to make memories for - me or the girls?  I have to stop expecting so much out of things and just try to sit back and enjoy them as they happen.  We drove away from LaSalette freezing and tired and I said to everyone "well, I hope everyone had a fun day" and Leyla and Hannah both belted out "It was awesome!"...so, despite the meltdowns and frustrating times, that's what it comes down to...that Leyla and Hannah had an awesome time with their grandparents and parents despite all the things that in my mind went wrong. 

I hope to get back before Christmas to write some more but I have too many things that I've put on my plate...when am I going to learn to just let go of the things that really don't matter?  Probably not this year!  I'm a work in progress I guess...but one thing's for certain, I love my girls more than anything and that's why I try every day. 

Staycation...

I am just finishing an amazing staycation just me and the girls (and Mahir when he wasn't at work).  It was wonderful and I hate to not be able to be with them more.  Grammy and Grampy went on a cruise and with Mahir at work it was just me and the girls.  Yes, I packed it with fun and excitement, but that's what I like to do!  Friday, the hottest day of the summer, I left work early and met Mahir and the girls so that we could go wave to Grammy and Grampy from Castle Island as their ship sailed off into the Atlantic.  Leyla and Hannah wanted to play on the playground but it was just too hot for that.  Saturday we celebrated Mahir's birthday by going to the Stone Zoo and we had a wonderful time, fed the budgies, saw the koalas, went to the bird show, and then went out for some lunch and shopping.  Sunday was a relaxing day at the pool with the girls swimming and having a great time.  Monday the girls and I took the train into Boston, had lunch by the Aquarium, they played in the water on the Greenway, we picked up some sweets at Mike's Pastry, and after visiting my coworkers, the girls played in the Frog Pond and went on the carousel before heading home.  Tuesday Leyla had camp and then we had a playdate and made cookies!  Wednesday we just hung out in the morning, did some errands, and visited Daddy's work and finished the evening out at dinner.  Thursday we did some more hanging out, Hannah and I went to Target while Leyla was at camp, and then we had lunch and went to the library since it was raining.  Finally, Friday we picked up Grammy and Grampy and had a relaxing afternoon. 

The girls definitely challenged me.  They are both in an "irritate your sibling" period and so that tends to leave me yelling or getting frustrated with them.  But, what can you do?  I wouldn't have it any other way and I definitely enjoyed my time off with them and I'm counting the days until I can spend more time with them more than just the evenings and weekends I already do.  XOXOXO

They are challenging me

I love my girls more than life itself, but they are getting to the point that they are seriously challenging me on a daily basis.  I want to be the perfect mother even though perfection really isn't as good as it looks AND each moment I strive to be the perfect mother I fail more and more miserably.  I don't want to yell, but then Leyla lays on top of Hannah or whirls her around too fast and then makes Hannah cry...or Hannah takes something of Leyla's and then Leyla grabs it back from her and then Hannah hits Leyla and then Leyla hits Hannah...it is a vicious cycle and I just feel like I can't get out of it some days!  The days I wish I were a stay at home mom become the I am so glad I'm not because I'd literally be yelling at them all day or then the thoughts are well if I were a stay at home mom maybe they wouldn't be like this and then I get all upset about not being a stay at home mom.  Add on top of it that I'm still breastfeeding Hannah - yes, I am breastfeeding an almost 32 month old - go ahead and judge me...really, I dare you.  But I have only been feeding her twice a day for the last year or so and I just gave up the before bed one last Monday.  I'll give up the morning one soon, but that's my decision and mine alone.  Is that the reason she's not potty training?  I doubt it, but some people want to tell me that's the reason.  I'm honestly kind of sick of other people telling me their opinions about how I should raise my children.  I worked darn hard to get where I am with Leyla and Hannah and so I think I have the right to raise them the way I see fit.  Anyway, I digress...Hannah's stubborn...STUBBORN!  She knows how to use the potty...she chooses not to.  That's the Wight in her and that's the Akarsu in her...double stubborness!  She'll do it when she wants to, even if it is already 6 months after her sister was fully trained...

On another note, I'm pretty excited because next week is my staycation...an entire 9 days starting at 2:30 on Friday afternoon where I get to be with my girls...yes, even after all I described above I'm very excited about it.  I'm not going to clean except while they're napping or hanging out with Daddy in the afternoon and I'm going to enjoy every single second...good or bad...because these moments are so few and far between...I will enjoy them...I'll enjoy them running around the kitchen with only their hoody towels on like they did last night after their bath calling themselves super heroes...and I'll enjoy the mess that they leave because looking at an empty of toys family room after they went to bed last night wasn't so fun...and maybe, just maybe, they'll learn something from me and I'll learn something from them along the way...I hope for me it's more patience.  

I love you Leyla and Hannah...I love kissing you and covering you back up every morning before I go to work...I love you running to me at the train station or when I pick you up at daycare or when I get home from work or anywhere...I love sitting and watching Sophia with you or really anything at all as long as we're snuggling up together...I love that you call me on the phone and ask me to sing you a song and ready you a story before bed...and I wish I did that more...and I promise you that I will...because I know there will be a time where you won't want me to and I'll look back and wish that I did. 

Moving forward

On April 15, 2013 the world changed for me.  I know, that sounds so dramatic, but I really don't think I'm alone, despite the fact that I knew NOONE that was injured or killed in the Boston Marathon Bombings.  One of my best friends was at the finish line and I have to say that my heart skipped when I heard from someone in my office, I don't even know who and what was said, but I remember "bombing"..."finish line"...I couldn't text her fast enough and I cried the moment I got the text back that she was OK.  And then to hold her later that night and cry thinking of how close she was and that I could've lost her.  I definitely shielded the girls from what was going on - except when the President was on and I informed Leyla it was the law for us to listen to the President just so she would let me watch what he had to say that night.  Otherwise I was left to streaming news and facebook to know what was happening, but I know the girls knew something was causing the distraction of Mommy's full attention.  There was a huge change the next day going into the city - it was surreal...it was just so different and yet indescribeable...people looked at each other...really looked at each other...and the sadness on everyone's hearts was obvious as well.  Then the rest of that week...we went on vacation on Thursday morning, April 18th and headed through Boston, seeing Mass Ave. closed waiting on the President heading to the prayer service.  We listened to the service on the cell phone as we drove and eventually lost our data and streaming became quite difficult.  That night we snuggled into bed at our destination, turning off our phones, never imagining all that was about to go down at home.  I woke up and turned on the phone at 7:30 AM to find a text from my Dad that my building was closed, and a voicemail talking about shelter-in-place, and a text from the MBTA stating that the entire T system was shut down.  I couldn't believe how only 8 or so hours with the phone off and I missed so much.  I was worried about my friends and family and coworkers all at home.  Getting news in Maine was difficult and I relied heavily on Facebook and I'm so grateful for those that kept me updated.  I went through the day visiting with former professors and walking around campus with the girls, seeing where Mahir and I met, fell in love, and got engaged.  It was wonderful, but my heart was definitely home with everyone.  I was finally able to breathe and relax and enjoy our time in Maine once I heard that the suspect had been captured.  But yet, it hasn't ended.  Somethings going on inside of me that I can't explain except to say that I have now been in almost a month long "funk"...I can't seem to get out of my own way...I'm not focusing on everything the way I need to...and I think about how I'm not living my life the way I should...I want to live a good life and be a good person for those four victims of the bombing and those who have lost limbs and are unable to live the life I can.  And yes, I know that I'm a good person, but I WANT to be better...better for myself, better for my girls, better for my husband, better for my parents, and better for my family, friends, and coworkers.  So, it's time...time for me to put what happened in April behind me and move forward...for everyone, but most especially for myself.  I'm including this picture from Huffington post that I found of the outside of my building...I probably know the guard, though I can't make out who it is...but I want to remember...remember that Friday where our city shut down and that week and this whole month where the whole city came together.  I pray that the violence ends, but I'm not naive to think that it will, but I'm not sure how I can ever explain to the girls why people do what they do. 

Disappointed...

So, I'm going to have a few moments of negativity and then I'm going to try to move on.  I haven't blogged in 4 months...seriously?!  4 months...4 months where I could have been describing all the funny and crazy things that the girls have done and said so that when I'm senile and the girls are reading my blog they will know what was going on when they were 4 and 2.  The last time I blogged I was New Years Eve and I was hoping 2013 would be better...well, it has and it hasn't...Mahir got laid off from Talbots the same day that Mom and I got slammed with the stomach bug in January and he just recently got hired by TJX and started last Monday in time for the stomach bug to hit us again.  Boy, are we ready for spring! 

Funny things that Hannah has done...she is a pistol...she really is...she keeps us hopping but also keeps us laughing and smiling.  I had been calling Mahir a pain in the bum, so one morning she goes "Daddy, you're a pain in the bum" and then she paused and said "Just kidding!" and it was THE cutest thing hearing the way she said "kidding" and accentuated the "just" and "ing".  I wish I had caught it on video!  Also, last week she was eating fruit loops at daycare and a little one (7 months old I think) stole a fruit loop, so she reached in and tried to take the fruit loop out of her mouth and ended up getting a little nibble on her finger, leaving no marks of course.  Well, all Hannah could say was "she took my fruit loop!" and was so serious and determined I couldn't help but laugh!!!!

Leyla...she's almost done with her first year of PRESCHOOL!  When did that happen?!  She's enjoying it so much and I can't believe how far she's come this year and how well she has done in school.  Grampy has Shadow duty every night - not by our choice, but by Shadow's choice (Shadow's our cat for those who don't know).  He'll be trying to do dishes or sit down to watch TV and Shadow will harass him like crazy!  He'll come over to our side and feed her and the other night he said "why do we give her wet food when she doesn't eat it?!" and from out of nowhere Leyla goes "because the shelter told us too!".  Shadow has now been with us for 2 years...so Leyla was only 2 years old when they went to the shelter and got Shadow so for her to remember that and to voice that to Grampy was pretty hilarious! 

OK, so goal for next time is to blog sooner...and, as was the initial point of my blog, not complain about not being a stay at home Mom or missing things or all the other stuff I spent most of last year complaining about...instead, enjoying what I have and sharing the ups and downs with you so that when the girls are older they can look back and see all the funny things they did and all that jazz. 

2012

2012 was a good year and a bad year.  Any year I have with my girls is a good year for sure.  I am completely and utterly blessed to have an amazing family, but most especially two little girls that make me so happy every day. 

Leyla, you've had a great year - I know that it's been hard in some senses with the reality that you have some sensory processing issues, but I'm so glad I caught it early so that you can go to Occupational Therapy and that we can make some changes on how we deal with things to make it easier for you.  I can't believe you started preschool this year - I know how much you're enjoying being with Anthony and how much you are learning and how much fun you are having.  I was so proud of you watching you sing "Away in a Manger" at our Church Pageant and for being Mary in your school's Christmas Program.  Who would have thought 4 years ago as Michelle and I were holding you and Anthony that you would end up best friends and playing Mary and "Jofis" (Joseph) together.  I'm sad that Anthony is moving and that you won't be able to see each other as often after preschool but I know that you will remain such amazing friends.  You are completely obsessed with Cinderella and although your Daddy wishes everything weren't Cinderella, I know he enjoys watching your excitement, for example, last night when we put your new Cinderella comforter on your bed.  I can't wait to take you to Disney and the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique in 18 months (August 2014!).  You amaze me everyday and I'm so proud of you.  I love you Leyla.

Hannah, 20 miles of bad road as Grammy calls you...you are a pistol!  You're very outgoing and always into things.  Your vocabulary is insane for only a 25 month old - I remember going to see Dr. Tai for your 2 year appointment and she asked about words and if you were able to string things together and suddenly, before I could answer, you said "I don't want to do that" and Dr. Tai said "nevermind"!  You definitely let us know what you want and what you don't want.  You are always so bright eyed and smiley and obsessed with the color orange, Phil the monkey, Caillou (so is your sister), Angelina Ballerina, and Minnie/Mickey Mouse.  I may be judged for this part, but I don't care...you're still nursing...Grammy says we need to go "cold turkey" but I just don't see you as the type to do that - you'll stop when you're ready and I'm not ready to force you to stop...not doing anyone harm so why should I care?  Thanks for being my cuddlebug and keeping me on my toes.  I can't wait to see what you and your sister have in store for me over the years.  I love you Hannah. 

2012 was a hard year with being very part time caregiver for Nan.  I am amazed by the care Mom provided her, right up until the last moment on December 8th.  Nan had a rough 5 months starting in July when she went to the hospital, then home, then back to the hospital, then rehab, then home for about 3 weeks and then back to the hospital and rehab, returning home in early November.  Thanks to hospice we were able to keep her home with us until the end, although it still was extremely difficult on all of us and it's going to take awhile to get into our new normal.  I'm so grateful for the time that Nan had with Leyla and Hannah.  She was told by her doctor in December of 2008 that she had 3 months.  Well, she surpassed that by over 3.5 years and ended up having 5 more great-grandchildren!  Sure, she made me mad every time she laughed when Leyla did something she shouldn't have and got angry when the girls were on her couch just being kids, but I wouldn't change that time for the world.  I hope she's up in heaven telling Pa all about the two little girls that rock my world and who he would have loved so much, just like he loved me. 

2013...I pray you're an amazing year. 

Same old...and new normal...

If anything has happened over the last several days in my mind it's that I don't care what gets done, well, at least not as much as I did before.  The poor babies that were killed in Connecticut make me treasure my girls and my time with them and the rest of the family even more. 

I feel like my blog has a pattern - not being able to get done what I expect myself to get done and not being able to do these things because I'm a working Mom who doesn't get to spend much time at home.  I'm hoping that I don't remain so boring with the same complaints and thoughts.  It's been a rough couple of months with lots of things going on, some of which I will talk about and some I won't.  We've been blessed to have Mom and Dad, especially Mom, be the caregivers for the girls since the end of September.  All I will say is that it wasn't a choice I wanted to make but I also didn't have a choice.  On top of that, since July Nan had been in and out of rehab, hospital, and back home.  Her congestive heart failure made it hard to breathe which started the pattern one July evening where she went to the hospital...until she came home and went back and then went to rehab twice between July and the end of October when she came home.  The day after veteran's day she started on hospice care and went peacefully to be with Pa in heaven on Saturday morning, December 8th.  We were blessed to have her with us for 4 years after the doctor in Florida gave her 3 months back in December of 2008.  But are we really surprised with the very strong Russian woman that Nan was?  No.  And I pray that I am as blessed as she was, to have family care for her and be with her all the time, to have had 6 great-grandchildren and live with 2 of them to watch them grow.  As much as it pissed me off when it happened, I will remember Nan for laughing when the girls did something they weren't supposed to do, and taking them all (including Shadow the cat) on rides with her "wheels" (rolling walker). 

We are settling into a new normal at home and though it's not easy and the girls are definitely testing the waters, we are hoping for a nice Christmas this year.  For someone who had the majority of the shopping done before Thanksgiving and the tree up the day after Thanksgiving, I haven't done well past that.  Things still on my to-do list on 12/18 are: Christmas cards, decorating the tree, putting the stockings up, and LOTS OF WRAPPING, nevermind the things I wanted to do like make reindeer on canvas with the girls footprints and Christmas lights on canvas with the girls fingerprints!  But I'm going to take Nate Berkus' advice from his blog to heart and "make time for movie night by the glow of white tree lights, hot chocolate and laughter by the fire and the happy satisfaction of knowing no store line for holiday presents kept you from being present for those you love".  Thanks Nate for the reminder of what's really important even though I know it, it's still nice to be reminded.  (Quote courtesy of: http://www.nateberkus.com/tis-the-season/)

My Best Family Life?

So I came across a blog (through pinterest looking for who knows what) and it's about "Living Your Best Family Life" and I don't think I am.  The questions the blogger asked are: Do you wish you had more time? What would you use it for? Would it make you a better parent or your family life more peaceful and cohesive? Are you living your BEST life together as a family?  So, here we go, let me answer:
1. Yes, OF COURSE I wish I had more time!  Doesn't everyone?!  Seriously, name one person in this world who wishes they didn't have more time!
2. I would use it for SO MANY THINGS - play with Leyla and Hannah and kiss them and hug them and tell them how much I love them and show them how much I love them.  Then there are the other things, that don't mean as much as those first things - getting TY notes done, cleaning my house, getting rid of all the clutter that drags me down, NOT doing laundry since I already spend most of my weekend doing that! 
3. Yes, I think it would make me a better parents and my family life more peaceful and cohesive because if I could just get out of the rut of clutter and things to do then I could focus more on the girls and I wouldn't feel so crazy and out of control and overwhelmed as I do right this moment.
4. No, we are NOT living our best life together as a family, but honestly, it's not all within our control.  It's not our control that we are a household of four generations, which makes things VERY difficult.  I love our house and I love the relationships that the girls are building with their grandparents and great grandmother, but it's not always roses. 

So, despite the fact that the questions make me feel even more overwhelmed, the blog itself does not, in fact it makes me feel more human and like I'm not alone (http://childhood101.com/2012/10/are-you-living-your-best-family-life/).  Christie says "I want to do one thing at a time and be present in that moment." and boy do I agree.  I want the time to slow down and not look over and see that my babies are now a toddler and a preschooler...I want those baby moments back (and NO I'm not having more - I'm SO unbelievably happy with my 2 beautiful girls who keep me on my toes ALL THE TIME).  But, instead I need to stop looking back analyzing what I could have done or should have done differently and just stand and look forward, get rid of all that holds me back from being the best mother I can be.  Sure, each day I do the best I can, but that still doesn't mean that I'm living the best family life.  There is always room for improvement and I'm ready to improve.  I'm not going to wait for New Years to try to become a better Mom and a better Wife and a better Daughter...I'm going to start right now...I'm just not sure right now how to start...

Has it really been 2 months?!

I am amazed that it has been two months since I've blogged.  I mean, I never considered that I'd be a crazy blogger that blogged every day, but I at least wanted to blog once a week and yeah, I've never been able to do that.  Maybe I need to set a calendar reminder to do it!  Maybe then I'll get to it - and...maybe not!  I came across this blog today and I had to quote her so that not only could I find this great piece of inspiration in the future but also so that I could share it with my friends and other Mom's like me.  I was on the Lazy Saturdays blog (http://www.lazy-saturdays.com/page/2/) and saw this snippet of a post and my reaction was "WOW - she has it exactly on the nose"! 

"Damn the rules. Do you know what makes a good mother? Loving our children, teaching our children, hoping for our children, praying for our children. We know what our babies need. We know it whether they sleep in our beds, whether we work outside the home, whether they have memorized every episode of DORA! or have never seen a TV in their ever lovin’ lives. We are Mommas, for heaven’s sake. We bring life into this world and then raise it up to the light the best way we can. And it doesn’t have to be lonely. We do not have to divided by labels, methods and philosophies.  We are not defined by the way we diaper or discipline.  What if for just a moment, we all acknowledged the grandness of this thing we are a part of, this blessed, God given role? What if we held each others hands and said, “Isn’t it heartbreaking, bright, boring, beautiful, tear-out-your-hair frustrating, and just so magical it hurts?” What if we loved each others children, tantrums and all, because they are just learning and aren’t we all and isn’t it just so hard sometimes? What if we decided that we were all doing just fine, every last one of us? What if, at the end of each day, we realized we had done our best and that was enough?"

That is all for today...hopefully I'll be back sooner than two months from now!

I really don't like the beach…

…it's just not my favorite place. I don't like the taste of salt water on my lips or getting it my eyes when getting splashed by a wave or going under water…I'm much more of a pool person. Then there's the issue of sand in every nook, cranny, crevice, etc. I just don't like it. Well, yesterday made me like it a little more than I ever have…may a lot more…because of the girls. There was just something great about holding them in the water and having the waves splash up on us and then go plunk down on the beach and play with the sand toys and build castles and knock them down. There was a lot of joy in yesterday and my opinion of the beach is a little better than it used to be. I still don't like salt water on my lips and in my eyes though. I'm not sure Hannah did either since every time a wave hit she screamed as if she didn't like it (meanwhile Leyla was gleefully shrieking so obviously she loved it!). Funny that things you really don't like turn out to be things you don't mind when your kids are there :-)

June...and other thoughts...

My goodness, where did the month of June go?!  It feels like just last weekend we were in New Hampshire at Storyland on the rainiest day of the year (of course, because that's how Mahir and I like to do vacations!!!!).  I'm not sure if I posted about that but we had a great time despite the rain and I can't wait to go back next year!  Mahir's mother arrived to meet Hannah and spend 9 weeks with us last Wednesday. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my favorite times of the day.  I'm not sure why but that's just where my thoughts have been.  With Hannah, my favorite parts are around 5 AM when I feed her before going to work.  For those of you who are going to make Time magazine comments, please refrain!  It's a beautiful bonding time together and I'm going to miss it when she does stop getting up.  Then again after work, which is less relaxing, and then before bed, which is wonderful as she ends up falling asleep and Daddy then carries her off to bed.  Hannah's a pistol and keeps us on our toes and definitely keeps me laughing and smiling at her antics.  Last night at dinner she wiped her ketchup hands all over the wall.  Mahir cringed and I laughed and enjoyed it because I know I will miss it when she's older and not doing that.  Leyla is the complete opposite of her sister, hates messy hands, hates food in her lap, etc.  My favorite moments with Leyla are when she calls me at work in the morning and gives me a rundown of what's happened so far that day, when I see her at the train station getting a ticket from Joe and then waving to all the conductors, and when we get to sing songs before bed and the rare times we get to watch and sing with Pajanimals.  I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog today except to let the girls know how much I love them and how much I love their differences and their similarities and how much they love each other.  I'm blessed beyond measure.

Soapbox...

So, I have to say I came across a blog that annoys me. The site has a Facebook page that also bothers me. I am not one to name names so I'm not going to tell you what blog it is, but I did notice at least one of my friends "likes" the page. In any case, I saw a status that said "Filling out a million camp forms is annoying, but not half as annoying as having a kid up your ass all summer...pass me that pen." Now, I'm going to go back to a status that I posted about a week or so ago that didn't draw wonderful responses because it appeared that I was thinking being a teacher was all roses, which I know for a fact isn't (please remember I am the daughter of a retired teacher) and that it was coming to the time of year that I really disliked all the facebook posts about my teacher friends having the summer off and being able to spend time with the kids and such, because I don't. Yes, I made the choice to work in a field other than a teacher that would give me an unbelievable amount of time off a year compared to what I have now and no, there's no possible way of being a stay at home Mom like I would like to (even a part time SAHM would be nice). In any case, that's not what I'm blogging about. I don't think my status was offending - it was just a statement that it was coming to a time of year that makes me sad because I don't get the opportunities to be with my girls as much as I'd like. But this particular status that I just pasted above was very offending to me. And the other blogs on that page that use profanities and yell at their kids and say that life isn't fair. Sure, life isn't fair, but you know what, life is so much better BECAUSE I am a parent and because of my girls. The individual on this blog that complains about her kids should live one day like all the people in the world who want children and wouldn't bitch and moan about all the annoying or bad moments of being a parent. I love my children…I want to spend time with my children…and it makes me absolutely crazy when I see parents writing nastiness about their children, how spending time with their children is such a chore, and how much of a pain they are. I am definitely not a perfect parent and yes, I have moments when I want to sit in the bathroom in peace, but in 10 years, in 15 years, I'm going to miss this. So, bring on the whining, crying, laughter, smiles, and every other thing that brings me joy and aggravation every day that being a mother to my girls does. I'm going to go home tonight, hug them, and thank God for the gift that their lives brings to my life.

First family vacation

Well we survived our first family vacation. No, we have never been anywhere with the girls. Yes, we went to Turkey with Leyla but she was so little (6 months old) and it was visiting family that I don't really consider that a family vacation. This past weekend, to celebrate my 32nd birthday, we went to Storyland! As with many of the trips I have taken with Mahir over the years, it was scheduled to rain (flashback to 2004 when we honeymooned on Nantucket in the remnants of a hurricane!), so we packed our raincoats, umbrellas, extra towels, and headed out! Amazingly we made it out of the house with a full car by 10:15 when I planned for 10:00 - not bad! We stopped at Fuddruckers on the way north in Reading and had a great time there watching the trapeze school and the water light show that happens in that Jordan's Furniture (never been there before). Then we headed north and made it to Storyland just before 3 PM. We then had an amazing 2 hours visiting Cinderella's Castle where Leyla hugged and hugged and hugged Cinderella and didn't want to let go. It was the most precious thing I've ever seen! Hannah, of course at her age, didn't want anything to do with Cinderella or sitting on her throne! Then we went on a bunch of rides (when I say "we" I mean Mahir and Leyla and a couple of them Hannah joined them). Apparently Mahir has his roller coaster/ride buddy in Leyla and I am guessing Hannah will be the same way since she couldn't get enough of the "shoe" ride where they go around and around and up and down! We fell victim to the tourist trap of buying the picture at the Bamboo Chutes of Mahir and Leyla's faces as they were headed down the flume. Priceless picture I have to tell you. Both that and the picture of Leyla with Cinderella will be posted to Facebook hopefully this week but you know me and posting pictures, so it could be next year! I'm glad we had Friday afternoon at the park because it truly made the fact that we got soaked during our 5 hours in the park the next day worth it. And the smiles on the girls faces despite being wet and cold was also worth it! I definitely learned a lot from this vacation and will do things different next time and do other things the same. The time wasn't perfect as I had planned but it definitely was more than I imagined! I can't wait to go back!

The things they get into...

First of all, I have to say that "baby proofing" has been done along the way for sure in our house.  Leyla was into next to NOTHING that Hannah has been into so covering the plugs wasn't needed in all rooms until Hannah came along and we have elastics around each set of cabinets in the kitchen that as of now Hannah can't take off...YET!  The two of them together can cause more than double the trouble!  Last week they hung out in the bathroom.  I thought they were "just" washing their hands, but then it was quiet for a little too long.  Next thing I know they are brushing their teeth with just water (obviously, not a big deal) and then using the toothbrushes to wash the decorative shells on the counter, and getting into the other items in the drawers (thermometer, pieces from the infant toothbrush that the main piece was thrown out months ago, etc.).  So, now that drawer is cleaned out and the items have been moved to other locations!  I'm done with people saying that I need to play hard ball and not let them get away with these things (so if you were going to say it, please refrain).  They were both put in a time out and the bathroom door was closed so I didn't ignore it but honestly, after the three minutes, I was done with that (or so I thought...you will see why in a minute).  As a working mother I don't want to waste my precious time at home with them by yelling at them or putting them in timeout for everything, so I am TRYING to pick my battles and also realize what are mountains and what are molehills and that was a molehill in my opinion.  Fast forward to last night...Daddy is in the bathroom and finds something sticking out of the overflow section of the sink.  It is a leaf.  He pulls out that and more leaves come with it.  Turns out Leyla decided to strip the bamboo plant in the bathroom of the leaves that were on top of it and stuff the pieces into the overflow section of the sink.  When asked why she did it, she said "because I did"...great...and again, I said to myself as I put her to bed after we gave her the not stripping plants and not putting things in those holes lecture, "it's a good thing you're cute and that some day I'm going to miss all of this chaos".  Also, during this time Hannah was selecting her clothes for today which included a pajama top, two pairs of pants, and a couple shirts...she's definitely one not to let out of my sight!  Next thing on my list WAS the zoo tomorrow, but just my luck it is supposed to POUR all day and unfortunately with the need to schedule events like this so that I'm off work and have the library pass (I refuse to pay top dollar when I can get a library pass) there is always the chance for rain.  So, tomorrow may be just a whatever day but I know that will be really nice too.  I love you Leyla!  I love you Hannah!