OK, so, yes I just said I'm glad it's March, but...

...despite all of the craziness and sickness that went through in February there are things that I am grateful for that occurred in February:

• Hannah has so many words in her vocabulary now including Leyla, Elmo, I love you, milk, sit, Aunt Pat, and so many more - she is also such a pistol and keeps me on my toes but in so many fun ways - I can't believe how fast she's growing!
• Leyla has been writing the letters of her name and is doing fantastic learning Turkish and although she fights Daddy when he asks her to speak Turkish I know that she understands what he is saying to her which is awesome!  She has been signed up for preschool and although I'm not ready for that mentally I know it's going to be great for her! 
• We had some awesome playdates! 
• Last night, to finish out the month on a good note Leyla, Hannah, and I went outside and played in the snow that had landed on our lawn - we had a great time and I wouldn't change those moments for anything! 

The good always outweighs the bad so I don't want any of my readers to think I'm not grateful for all the good in my life because I am over the moon about all the ways I am blessed. 

Thank GOD it's March!

February stunk - that's it in a nut shell.  February started off with Mahir away in Turkey visiting his family so I was alone, but not really thanks to my awesome parents, and we were short staffed in the office, so it was a challenging month.  Not only was it a challenge with those two things but on the 18th while we were having a great time with friends and their girls Hannah decided to throw up all over me.  Thus began the week from hell!  Saturday night Hannah got the stomach bug and was sick through the night and into Sunday.  Monday, the holiday, my Mom decided to cut an onion a "new and improved way" and ended up slicing through her thumb and so I took her to the ER.  While in the ER I wasn't feeling so great but attributed it to the migraine that had come on suddenly a couple hours earlier.  Yeah, it wasn't...before we left the ER I got sick and poor Mom had to drive home with her thumb in the air - way to go me being a support to her!!!!  That night Leyla threw up.  Yay!  Tuesday Hannah decided that even though she hadn't nursed during the day in quite awhile that she needed to, which was fun for this individual who hadn't had much of anything to eat or drink since I was still sick.  But, we did it.  And then Mahir took her to the doctor only to find out she had an ear infection.  Awesome, yay for antibiotics that taste nasty and are impossible to get in.  Mahir didn't feel so great on Tuesday but never ended up getting anything.  The only one in the house who didn't get something because Nan, on her 91st birthday, got sick, followed by Mom and Dad, although he says it's his Meniere's that caused his.  In any case, the Wight-Akarsu-Butterfield crazy household got the norovirus and hung on to it for that awesome 7 days.  To top it all off poor Hannah went back to the doctor on Friday and her beginning ear infection was a full blown ear infection and the antibiotics had done NOTHING for her.  Thankfully everything is better now and despite the head cold I have now I am thankful for better antibiotics that have kicked Hannah's ear infection's butt and that everyone is getting back to normal.  I do have to say that although being sick pre-children was wonderful (do you remember that - it was when you could sleep all day, lay on the couch watching TV and movies, order take out, and just DO NOTHING), being sick post-children is challenging but rewarding at the same time.  I thought about it as I lay in bed with two children on me on that Wednesday morning and when I wished that the girls felt better I also realized that if they had been better I would've been at work and not getting to snuggle with them.  I don't like them being sick but I wouldn't trade that snuggle time for anything! 

The end of an era & start of a new year/new tradition

For 13 days I have been meaning to write this blog.  13 days ago I would have hosted what I believe was my 13th New Years Eve gathering.  And I didn't.  I thought I would have been sad but I really wasn't - I think I was last year - being hormonal and everything from having had Hannah 6 weeks earlier but I felt fabulous this year.  Last year (2010 going into 2011) I sent out the evite, heard back from about half the people that they weren't coming, one family that was coming, and never heard back from the rest.  I planned, bought things, cleaned, and I was ready for those people who don't RSVP but end up showing up as well as the family who was coming.  The family didn't end up coming in it's entirety but it was nice having Jaclyn there for a couple of hours.  And then reality stepped in as Leyla came down with the stomach bug and I was washing her up in the shower as the clock struck midnight.  Possibly the best part of my New Year's Eve was 2 AM on January 1, 2011 when Mahir and I snuggled on the couch - Leyla asleep on my lap and Hannah asleep on his shoulder.  It was awesome and as much as I loved my years of hanging out with my friends, playing games, having a big sleepover and having an amazing time, I loved the new tradition that was formed for me last year.  So, this year, I didn't plan a party and I didn't send out an evite and I didn't clean my house in preparation.  This year I sat at the dinner table with my girls, my husband, my parents, and my grandmother and we ate appetizers until we were stuffed.  Then we played Cootie with Leyla and watched TV and when we rang in 2012 I was again snuggled on the couch with my very wide awake 3 year old looking at my snoozing husband snuggling with Hannah who was asleep.  I can't imagine starting 2012 any differently.  This is my new normal and I LOVE IT! 

My messy house

I love my messy house.  Well, not always, but when I think of the alternative, I love my messy house.  A messy house is a lived in house.  Sure, I don't want it so messy I can't function, which some of the rooms definitely are and I'm going to work on hopefully this weekend.  I mean, I absolutely HATE that I can't find my gloves, especially on these cold days, so I will find them this weekend.  But, I look at all the toys and stuffed animals and blankets strewn about and I know that our house is a fun, played in, exciting house filled with lots of laughter.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, but I think we are a happy family.  We are lucky to have such amazing girls and I wouldn't change my messy and chaotic life for anything.  Yes, every day I wish I were a stay at home Mom and every day I wish I could find things and every day I wish that Leyla wouldn't have tantrums, but again, what's the alternative?  A life without my girls?  That would be unimagineable.  So, I am thankful for my messy house.  And I'm thankful for our girl time last night while Daddy went to the movies - girl time taking a shower, getting all lotioned up and in jammies, and then snuggling on the bed reading lots of books.  So, instead of cleaning my house I'm going to just keep making fabulous memories...and maybe during their nap I'll find my gloves...or maybe I should just go buy a new pair!

I went outside today!

Sounds kind of funny, like they let me out for a special visit to go outside!  I went outside today for the first break I have been able to go outside for since I came back from maternity leave on February 7th!  The reason for this is that I was spending my breaks in the special room designated for us BFing Moms down at the health center.  I'm one of those moms that had NO PROBLEM pumping and I still don't my once a day.  It was my time to be doing something for Hannah and after a rough "back to work" where I felt much worse than I had after coming back from maternity leave with Leyla, I needed that time.  I was able to relax, take some time for myself, have some peace and quiet in my crazy day, and I have read a RIDICULOUS number of books (seriously, read the entire Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum series and MORE!).  I'm truly going to miss these moments, but I am excited about what's to come and to be able to head outside in the fresh (but very cold) air.  Sure, at the time I missed not being able to go outside during the summer but every time I thought about it I was OK with it, knowing that next summer I'd be outside and there's only this one chance to do this special something for Hannah.  So, today, I went outside.  I went to Subway and got lunch.  I walked down the street with this grin on my face, so much so that someone passing me smiled and said "Hi" to me.  I'm going to enjoy getting back outside and maybe this time I won't work through lunch or eat lunch at my desk - from now on I'm going to make good use of my lunch and go for walks, soak in the sun and air.  BUT I'm always going to remember fondly my special time in that room - I really enjoy/have enjoyed my time there.

I feel guilty being thankful but isn't that what you're supposed to do?

I read about a mother and an 18 month old little girl battling cancer this morning and the mother's blog and the fact that the 18 month old little girl passed away yesterday.  It made me so sad, made me sob, though I don't know them, my heart breaks for them.  And then I say out loud, "Thank you God for my happy and healthy little girls".  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Hannah gets into the snack drawer and trashes it and climbs the stairs when I'm not looking and goes and steals something she shouldn't have and runs away with it laughing the whole time, she is healthy.  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Leyla has a breakdown and cries and screams over something stupid or says NO to me every time I tell her to do something or fights me over something, she is healthy.  It's times like this I question my faith, and I hate that I do that but I also know it makes me human to question things, but I question why God would allow a mother and a daughter to get cancer, for that father to watch his wife and daughter suffer, and then take their only child from them.  How am I supposed to be a strong Christian woman who my daughters can look up to when I question these things?  <BIG SIGH>  I know that God will never give us more than we can handle but sometimes I feel like he trusts some of us too much.  I love you Leyla and Hannah - you are truly God's gifts to me and I will treasure you always.  I hope that I can be a good enough mother that you can be proud of and look up to. 

Time flies when you're having fun

I can't believe it's been three months since I posted here.  It's amazing how time flies and that within the next 72 hours my baby will turn 1.  I have thought about different things that I could write about over the last three months and of couse when I think about these things and blog in my mind, they never get "onto paper" and get posted here.  So, here are some random thoughts:

Leyla and Hannah are so unbelievably different, which is a great thing of course - who would want kids that are exactly the same?!  Leyla came out with blond peach fuzz on the top of her head and Hannah came out with a whole bunch of dark brown hair!  Leyla didn't get to attempt to latch until 12 hours after she was born and with a tongue issue that she had, she never did latch correctly and I was too overwhelmed by the "crazy lactation consultants" that I didn't even attempt going to the support group and so after 4 weeks of pumped milk being put into bottles, my supply ran out.  This time around Mahir and I were determined to have the baby latch successfully.  Many don't know that Hannah swallowed a large amount of fluid coming out and turned blue several times according to Mahir (I was of course laying on a table with a sheet covering my view of everything - which probably was a good thing!) and I didn't actually get to see my baby for the first time until I was being pushed out of the OR.  Thankfully she was OK and able to join me in recovery and latched successfully almost immediately.  AND she hasn't stopped!  Sure, we had our ups and downs, but thanks to the lactation consultants and daily support group, we've made it - 72 hours from now I get to celebrate the amazing journey Hannah and I took this year.  I have to say I have felt guilty along the way because I never got to do this with Leyla BUT then I remember that Leyla had my undivided attention for 2 years before her sister arrived and so this was something I could do with just Hannah.  I'm pretty darn proud of Hannah and I and also for the support of my family and friends, which was essential.

Do you remember what it was like to be sick before kids?  Pretty awesome, right?  You get up, feel like a bus rolled over you, and you're able to lay on the couch, watch TV, sleep, etc.  NOT SO when you have kids - you have no choice but to get up and keep going.  About a month ago I stayed home sick and not only was I home but so were the girls and although Mom was fabulous, I still had the responsibility of taking care of them, even though I felt horrid!  And, as luck would have it, the girls napped separately no matter how hard I tried to put them down together so I could get a nap.  BUT I wouldn't go back to being childless for ANYTHING. 

I will miss all of this 5 years from now - hell, I'll miss this 1 year from now.  I may have my body back at that point but I will miss middle of the night nursing sessions, which are the most amazing things I think I have ever experienced.  It is amazing to be needed as much as I have been this year.  I know as the years go on the girls will not need me the way they do now so I'm going to enjoy every second they do need me. 

And hopefully it won't be 3 more months til my next blog!