My messy house

I love my messy house.  Well, not always, but when I think of the alternative, I love my messy house.  A messy house is a lived in house.  Sure, I don't want it so messy I can't function, which some of the rooms definitely are and I'm going to work on hopefully this weekend.  I mean, I absolutely HATE that I can't find my gloves, especially on these cold days, so I will find them this weekend.  But, I look at all the toys and stuffed animals and blankets strewn about and I know that our house is a fun, played in, exciting house filled with lots of laughter.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, but I think we are a happy family.  We are lucky to have such amazing girls and I wouldn't change my messy and chaotic life for anything.  Yes, every day I wish I were a stay at home Mom and every day I wish I could find things and every day I wish that Leyla wouldn't have tantrums, but again, what's the alternative?  A life without my girls?  That would be unimagineable.  So, I am thankful for my messy house.  And I'm thankful for our girl time last night while Daddy went to the movies - girl time taking a shower, getting all lotioned up and in jammies, and then snuggling on the bed reading lots of books.  So, instead of cleaning my house I'm going to just keep making fabulous memories...and maybe during their nap I'll find my gloves...or maybe I should just go buy a new pair!

I went outside today!

Sounds kind of funny, like they let me out for a special visit to go outside!  I went outside today for the first break I have been able to go outside for since I came back from maternity leave on February 7th!  The reason for this is that I was spending my breaks in the special room designated for us BFing Moms down at the health center.  I'm one of those moms that had NO PROBLEM pumping and I still don't my once a day.  It was my time to be doing something for Hannah and after a rough "back to work" where I felt much worse than I had after coming back from maternity leave with Leyla, I needed that time.  I was able to relax, take some time for myself, have some peace and quiet in my crazy day, and I have read a RIDICULOUS number of books (seriously, read the entire Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum series and MORE!).  I'm truly going to miss these moments, but I am excited about what's to come and to be able to head outside in the fresh (but very cold) air.  Sure, at the time I missed not being able to go outside during the summer but every time I thought about it I was OK with it, knowing that next summer I'd be outside and there's only this one chance to do this special something for Hannah.  So, today, I went outside.  I went to Subway and got lunch.  I walked down the street with this grin on my face, so much so that someone passing me smiled and said "Hi" to me.  I'm going to enjoy getting back outside and maybe this time I won't work through lunch or eat lunch at my desk - from now on I'm going to make good use of my lunch and go for walks, soak in the sun and air.  BUT I'm always going to remember fondly my special time in that room - I really enjoy/have enjoyed my time there.

I feel guilty being thankful but isn't that what you're supposed to do?

I read about a mother and an 18 month old little girl battling cancer this morning and the mother's blog and the fact that the 18 month old little girl passed away yesterday.  It made me so sad, made me sob, though I don't know them, my heart breaks for them.  And then I say out loud, "Thank you God for my happy and healthy little girls".  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Hannah gets into the snack drawer and trashes it and climbs the stairs when I'm not looking and goes and steals something she shouldn't have and runs away with it laughing the whole time, she is healthy.  I am so thankful that no matter how many times Leyla has a breakdown and cries and screams over something stupid or says NO to me every time I tell her to do something or fights me over something, she is healthy.  It's times like this I question my faith, and I hate that I do that but I also know it makes me human to question things, but I question why God would allow a mother and a daughter to get cancer, for that father to watch his wife and daughter suffer, and then take their only child from them.  How am I supposed to be a strong Christian woman who my daughters can look up to when I question these things?  <BIG SIGH>  I know that God will never give us more than we can handle but sometimes I feel like he trusts some of us too much.  I love you Leyla and Hannah - you are truly God's gifts to me and I will treasure you always.  I hope that I can be a good enough mother that you can be proud of and look up to.